Terrible

I feel so terrible.
It might be a depression, my heart creaming for help, i don't know what to do.
I am not sleepy but i cannot focus doing anything, what i can do is only feel this depression.

I wonder why all the sudden it happened.

Maybe its because of my period.
But i'm pretty sure that it is my dad's birthday today.

I don't want to see my dad, i don't know what to say, what to be look like, and i have guilty of all as usual.

Before this depression, i was pretty good floating my emotion wave. I was not too good either too bad.
But i was feeling 'wrong'. Because i was living like through the screen. Or through a plastic.
It didn't feel everything 'real'. That's why it was easy to live.

Now i see more clear i guess. But i don't know which one is better..

Before i die, i wanted to see natural, naked world, i wanted to let it be.
But i feel like i can't survive with this depression until march.

Maybe after my period, i would be coming back behind the plastic, maybe.

I don't like this at all. Why should i do this.

Astronauts need to wear a special material suit. Because in universe, there's no air and many bad lights for human.

I know this kind of depression and coming manic episode could kill me. But i want to feel the real..

I think its not late after i contact to Switzerland and Netherlands hospital.
Before they reject, i need to be 'normal' 'talkable' person.

February is coming.