Lack of sleep

When i'm lack of sleep, i'm gettin in manic gradually.

I need around 10 hours sleeping a day.
8 hours, its not enough.
If i sleep 12 hours, i get tired.

Its hard to tell if i'm depressed or just tired.
if i'm in a mani episode or just i'm happy.

I don't really know the line.

When i look back, i can tell that maybe it was 'manic' when i tried to make a traffic accident. When i jumped out from my balcony. When i destroyed everything in my room.

Its like the safe space is so small.

Like in a movie mission impossible. They try to going through the razor security. They calculate how many cm they should move to right side, left side..

Only 1cm can kill them.

Only a small small happening can push me into depression or manic episode.

They are moving on for the mission.

I wonder what my mission is.

I don't see any treasures after the razor security.

When i'm tired, i feel like to move a lot. Which is manic. Very strange.

More i tired, more i stay awake, i feel like i never be able to sleep again.

Right now, i'm like this.
Not so bad, so i know what i should do. Sleep.

This is so frustrated, i force myself to go to bed taking a sleeping pill.
But real me wants to stay awake drawing pictures or many things. And i feel i'm having the ability.
people says 'you can just stay awake. You can do what you want'
I want to believe their words.
I don't want to believe my doctor.

But my experience tells me that i should follow to my doctor.

I don't want guil anymore.
i don't want to regret anymore.
I don't want to dream anymore.

As long as my body is under my control, i should take pills and sleep.

And i will regret everything tomorrow. Then all will be done.