Terrible

I feel so terrible.
It might be a depression, my heart creaming for help, i don't know what to do.
I am not sleepy but i cannot focus doing anything, what i can do is only feel this depression.

I wonder why all the sudden it happened.

Maybe its because of my period.
But i'm pretty sure that it is my dad's birthday today.

I don't want to see my dad, i don't know what to say, what to be look like, and i have guilty of all as usual.

Before this depression, i was pretty good floating my emotion wave. I was not too good either too bad.
But i was feeling 'wrong'. Because i was living like through the screen. Or through a plastic.
It didn't feel everything 'real'. That's why it was easy to live.

Now i see more clear i guess. But i don't know which one is better..

Before i die, i wanted to see natural, naked world, i wanted to let it be.
But i feel like i can't survive with this depression until march.

Maybe after my period, i would be coming back behind the plastic, maybe.

I don't like this at all. Why should i do this.

Astronauts need to wear a special material suit. Because in universe, there's no air and many bad lights for human.

I know this kind of depression and coming manic episode could kill me. But i want to feel the real..

I think its not late after i contact to Switzerland and Netherlands hospital.
Before they reject, i need to be 'normal' 'talkable' person.

February is coming.

Let it be

I used to have problems with working.
I have had a lot of jobs in my life.
I always quit so easily.

Maybe this is because i live with my parents, i can survive without working.

i wanted to live by myself, independent woman.

But it seems impossible for now.

Just a little thing annoy me, just a word can be giving me shock.
And i can't see what is the best on time, i need more time to understand.

People say they wonder why i can't do this. I can understand well and i can do complicated things, but why just a simple thing can't i do.

Everytime i worked hard and always doing my best, but i make mistakes that i don't understand.
I even don't know what was wrong.
But everytime before i find the answer, its already in past.

And i ask my boss what was wrong, but his/her answer is not even an answer.

Wrong thing can be 'right' to do sometimes.

I know this logic, but i still can't find the timing.

Guilt?

I just had an intereting conversation with my co-worker.

She said 'animals are cute because they are innocent. Who has guilty is only grown human'

I asked her 'does children has guilty?'

She said no.

I said 'but how about this case? Children can be very cruel sometimes. I used to picking out bugs legs when i was kid'

She said 'that is cute'

Hm. Oh, really?

She said 'but when children do something wrong is wrong. Taking drugs are guilty'

Okay, i'm confused. And i asked her what's the difference?

She said 'drugs are bad. Right? But picking out the legs are... yes, its cruel.. but it can be cute somehow. .....'
She's confused too.

And she asked me
"How old do you think to start having guilty?'

Gurh i've no idea.
Because i think they are all guilty from he beggining.

What you do

There is always what you WANT to do.

But it is hidden by several 'reasons'
There always what you should do.
What you 'supposed to' want to do.
What is good to do.
What is expected to do by others.

I often lose what 'my wishes' because of these.
i often confuse myself with others.

I used to be a very weird child. Some people hate me because of this,  but i wanted to be loved by everyone.

And i think i found the way. Pretty much.

It is my logic, and i success.

but the side-effect of this logic is losing myself.
When i found the logic was 15.
And i lost myself first time was 17.

Yes, my logic is not perfect.

It is stressful, and i was too young to find its not 'wrong' to be different.

But i think i'm on a better position for looking wider.
I can keep myself, and i can lose myself.
I need more time to control this though.

One of my logic of being a nice person.
Just listen, and say possitive.
Even if its wrong, who cares. I don't care, its not my business.
acting possitive, pretend like your interested in it, ask question what they want to speak.

Yea, this is why i say conversation is meaningless..

Next step

I think i've done on drawing eyes. I drew enough.

They are not that much attractive for me anymore.

I used to addicted drawing them but now, i want to draw something new.

Today i drew fire for my first time.
its pretty difficult.
First of all, the back ground should be dark, it means i have to paint black.
Secondly the fire should be looked moving.

Drawing eyes, fire also pretty much attractive for me. Its aggressive, and passionate.
Something straight and simple.

Sometimes i think why we have languages.
Animals don't use words because they don't 'pretend'

If they want, they take.
If they scared, they run away.

Very simple that i need.

People make everything so complicated.

There are always 'the answer' whatever you do.
But the answer is depending on the person.
What is the answer?
There are a lot, and they don't make any sense.

Truth should be simple, but truth doesn't mean 'correct' or 'right'.

Right thing to do is not depending on the truth..

That all because of languages and cultures what people created.

I found that truth is ' usually ' wrong.

Truth is what I shouldn't say, shouldn't do, shouldn't find.

Everything is too complicated, i feel i never be able to understand.

I know a little bit of psychology of treating people.
I'm pretty good at psychology, i know 'magic word' for making people confortable.
But what i find from this, is conversation is meaningless.

Nobody want any meanings from conversation.
Speaking is for themselves.
Listening is what choosing words to take.
Conversation is like a basketball game.
Everyone trying to catch a chance to speak, they try to go to the goal but somebody will take your ball. You can't finish your speaking. But anyway, you can take somebody's ball too. Its a match, you just try to be the top.

work, kind of

yeah, its kinda cheating. because I painted them for my "kind of" work.
actually I'm working for my friend's making a Japanese learning course, and a part of it, I'm showing my paintings for learning words.

I recorded them during I drawing, and my friend will make it speed up.

and this is one of the video that my friend made and I'm showing up for introduce Japanese cultures.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxOucqlOkk0

sorry for today's post, it looks like an advertisement, I'll do better tomorrow.

Angry wolf

I can't draw good..
I can feel something is wrong, it feels like numb.
Maybe its what i long to wish. But this feels so empty.
i don't really feel good, i don't even feel. But sometimes all the sudden it attack me, the guilty or an anger.
Maybe i'm going to lose my control? Or does it mean i am getting better?

I don't know why i draw so bad. I can't concentrate, i can't see the details, no ideas comes up.

Lack of sleep again

I knew it would be happen. That i canot sleep when i haven't slep for a while.

I tried to sleep this mornig, but medicibe didn't work.
After came home, i tried again and didn't work.

Now i took medicine, feel like i'm sleepy and maybe if i keep my eyes close and empty my head, i can sleep i guess.

But if i close my eyes, i see a lot of negative visions. Both of memory and something doesn't even happen.

In my head here are full of negative visions.

I can't sleep. I'm afraind of closing my eyes.

Dragon

I had been quite busy these days, i rarely have so many plans though it was different.
Just hanging out wirh friend.
But its true that having fun out until late messed my schedule.

I hadn't draw, and work out. I tried to stick on languages course but it doesn't go well.
In fact, i might go too fast.
So i need to have time to organize them in my head.

About drawing, when i'm satisfied i can't draw. Nothing comes up my mind.

not good

apparently I am not very good these days.
I used to forget everything very quick so I don't kow how long I'm like this way though,

first, I can't sleep. I take some medicine for sleeping but still doesn't work.
so many negative thoughts coming up my mind when I try to sleep.
the awful vision makes me nervous.
usually it is something like someone dies.

I did Spanish and French, some painting.. but I haven't complete yet.so maybe soon I can post it here.

maybe I'm tired? but it doesn't make sense not to be able to sleep.

what a frustration!

Business on the internet

I am creating some painting tshirt, and soon i'll be confirmed on paypal for ebay.

Before this, i'm trying on yahoo auction though, it seems not be able to sell.
First of all, people don't even open my page.

I can see how many access my page had. But its like 10 or something after a week.

I created a new account on minne too. It is for handmade stuff. I'll see how it goes, but i'm not expecting so much.

I wonder how to lead people to come to my page.

I hope it to be my new business, i'll do my best.

Today's picture is a turtle, i painted it yesterday.

Today i'm going to set it as my day off.
I realized that the new phrases don't stay in my head last night i was studing spanish and french.
And this morning it was hard to get up. Maybe i am tired.

I used to not reconize how i am, so i set today as my day off.
I'm not drawing, neither working out.

Creation

My aunt is an art teacher.
She gave me water color and i started it few months ago.

Before that, i used to sketch by just pencil or color pencil. Or crayons.

I'm now almost using water colors.

I sometimes send her my paints. And she replies with comments.

Today i sent her this paint. And she said..

"What did you try to express with this paint? You look very sad, and exhausted, aren't you? You should be yourself, don't just follow to someone. Do you think of getting married? "

What the..

Ghr, maybe i shouldn't have sent her this paint. Because it looks something that includes meanings.
Actually, it has no meanings.
And i don't have a boyfriend who might be able to marry me.

This is the reality, i know.

People are living in the time.

When i listen to my favorite music, when i drawing pictures, i feel like i'm out of the time.
But time is still counting every seconds.

I think i had wrote about how i attracted by time before.

If i talk in philosophy way, maybe i can actually get out of the time.
And time should not be exist, in my opinion.
This is what people made. There shouldn't be 1 second, or 1 minute.
People are choking themselves by creating new rules.

Truth should be simple.
I remember when i was doing math.
I should have learned what the mathematical fomula at the beggining. But as i learn more, i forget the most simple fomula. And that makes me more confused.
If someone reminds me the mathematical fomula, i can get the answer so easy.

secure

when you get an injection in a hospital, do you try to see the needle coming in your arm or not?

I watch it carefully so I can make my mind for the pain, and I know the timing.

my mom says she tries not to see it. because even looking at the needle, she feels scare.



I thought about it. why I try to see it?

and I found maybe its also related to my "guilty"
as I wrote before, I try not to watch news and newspapers. because if I don't see, it is not exist.
if I see some sad news, I feel its my fault.

because I need everything to be under my control.

pain by injection is not under my control. it is doctor controlling.

so I try to see the timing, make my mind for the coming pain, and I pretend all of it just like I'm controlling.

then this idea came up my mind..
can I do the same for my guilty?

because dealing with my guilty is so tough, I always thinking how to deal, running away from the news but it comes to my ears somehow after all.

so how about pretending like I'm causing those sad events just like injection.

I need to think it more to be sure, I'm too afraid of news. it can kill me so I have to be careful.


beside of this, what is the different between looking at the needle and not looking at it?

they can relax as long as the pain coming, if they are looking at the needle, their relaxing time would be shorter.


to get ready for the pain, so the shock would be softer.
or just being relax until pain comes suddenly so you can relax longer. but the pain shock would be bigger.

which is good?





by the way, I haven't painted these day.
I try soon. good night

to the new world

since I was 7 or 8 years old, the number "26" was always in my mind.

I had been thinking I would die at 26 year-old age.

after high school I thought I might be married at the age.

now I'm on the age, and I don't have anyone to get marry with.

I wonder what is going to be happened.

my mother is jehovah's witness. she tells me the end of the world is coming soon. so soon.

maybe the world is going to be end in my 26 year-old age?

I know it sounds silly, but I feel the world is exist only for me.

I am here, so they are here.

if I'm gone, they would disappear.

I am the king of the world.

since I got to be 26 years old, I'm everyday nervous. I'm afraid of die.

people can say "stay living if you don't want to die" but it is something like a obligation to me.

I really don't know what to do. because my birthday is coming in 2 months.

anyway, I need to think about "how" to die. I hope something would happen and lead me to the end, for example accident or world's end, whatever.

in case I couldn't get the chance, I need to make it by myself.

I have some ideas.

but I still have some hope that staying living.

maybe get married?

maybe big big big event could happen.

I still haven't gave up, that's why I draw paint, tshirts paintings, and languages.  

I am looking for something, but don't know what it is.

Principle

I think everything must to be basically simple.

What makes everything difficult and complicated is us.

By the way, my pc's wallpaper is written 'you can be everything!' Just to make myself motivated.
Yes, actually i agree with this thought.

You can be honest, you can be creative, you can be awesome.

What the hardest thing you should do is finding the simple fact.

If someone makes you feel good, you can appreciate.
If you did something wrong, you apologize.
There should be a permission to express your feelings, but unfortunately there is apparently not.

There are too many rules that pushing you in a small cage, and the rule is so big that even can create your 'feelings'
Yes, this rule can create your emotion.

I know how it works.
Because emotion, feelings, opinions are very fuzzy. There's no exact features.
This is a psychology.
Many psychology examination tell you it is possible to change someone's thought, feeling, emotion, whatever.

I used to work in a recieption of the restaurant. I did casher, and some stuff.
That restaurant was very busy.
So some people (including me ) sometimes make mistakes, about money counting.
There were chief, everytime i make mistakes, he tells me what to do in order to the rule.
So press this, and this is the way you counting money, no no you put your finger here, yes, here you go. Then press here, and that..
He was very kind.

And there was a manager.
He tells me this when i make mistakes.
"Keep in your head, you take the right price from the customers "
That's all he says!
he doesn't even teach me the better way to counting money and stuff.
He always says minimum of needs.

This is kind of strange example though, now i think the manager was actually looking at the truth all the time.

Rule is useful, as long as you follow it, you don't make a mistake.
but if you know the truth, you can reach to the result by yourself at the end.

As long as i follow to what chief says, i don't make a mistake. But once i mistakely press the wrong botton, then everything gonna messed up.
But if i keep what manager says in my mind, i can at least take the right price, and this is what cashier must do.
Even if i misstyped, i take the right price, everything is going to be right.

I call it truth, or principle.

This must to be always simple.

So what is the principle for life?

Some people says 'be yourself'

It sounds easy but very difficult. Because of rules.
Especially in japan, we have so many ways to say same thing. And people are usually shy to express emotions.

You can't just say 'goddammit!' When you upset, you have to hold it back and smile, and say some ironic words.

Even if you want to appreciate someone, you can't just jump on him/her to hug. there're rules to make correct sentence.

Sometimes you shouldn't express appreciation.
Sometimes its good to do wrong thing.
Sometimes its good to just ignore.
There are all because of rules.

This is 'beauty' in some sides, but also complicated and frustrated in the same time.

Charisma

what do people need?
a leader.

everything always is leaded by someone.

some people make a fashion popularity.
some people make a business company.

long time ago, when I was in elementary school, I asked my mum.
"my class mates are doing stupid things. it seems they don't know what they are doing."
my mum said
"there are 3 types of people. 80% of them are just following to people. 10% of them are leading them. and the other 10%, they are just unique. they don't follow to anyone and just being themselves. "

I remembered this story somehow, and still now, I think its kinda truth.

I still don't know which type I am.


and the other story from my first lover. he said
"there are 3 type of people. one, they work because its fun. second, they work because they love family. third, they work because they need money for their hobbies."


hm. this is also kinda truth.


why I'm writing this, because I saw Lyon in France, there are many arts in the city. there is a company, they painting buildings.
it impressed me.
and I thought.. can I do the same in my city?


I know some people in our city's radio.
I have met the mayor, I don't know he remember me though.
I know people who are working for our city's news papers.
and I have a connection to jr high schools and high school in my city.

it doesn't seem impossible.

and then I thought about charisma.
when starting something new, there always need a person who lead it.
am I a leader? or follower? or just being alone?

because even if I say let's paint buildings! nobody comes with me, its impossible.

there always need money, working people, and stuff.

so what is charisma?

attractive, leading, put people in a motivation...

like mayor? president? king?



anyway, I haven't thought enough to make a good vision yet. so I'm not starting yet.
although I want to do "something"




today, I went to lunch with my friend, after I came home I was studying languages, and after this blog I'm going to work out.
I haven't had enough time to drawing, I hope I can upload some drawing or paintings tomorrow.

business

what is business?

what can be business?

when it comes to business, it must to be "cost"

value is really depends on people.

I like to make it a game to value something with my friend.

for example I eat something, and my friend asks me how much do I pay to eat it again.

its usually half of the price, or lower.

if its really delicious, I give 80%.

I've only met twice that I gave 100% of the price.

but rich people pay more than we do.

they don't care about money (seems like so)

so when it comes to business, you better find rich people. don't get people like me as your followers.

I try to sell tshirts I painted on the internet.

right now, I'm waiting for paypal id confirmation, so I put them on Yahoo auction.

when I'm done about paypal, I'll try on ebay as well.

http://sellinglist.auctions.yahoo.co.jp/user/ricky_81_789

this is the page of my yahoo auction. I'm not sure if its only in Japanese or not.

I use Japanese by the way.

and it is not allow to sell abroad, but I can change it from setting, if you want, let me know.

by the way, I'm really happy that you read my blog. 

it always makes me happy to see how many people opened my page.

these days I'm not really doing any interesting things. my blog might be very boring, but if you like it, please drop a comment, and I'll be so happy^^

I tried to paint aurora. 

but as I put colors on the paper, the paper goes bad, but I need to put more colors on it, and it went so messy.

I bought a paper for water color, I'll paint something and upload soon.

happy new year

Hi　happy new year.
I'm not really drawing or painting these days. I was just relaxing and start some work out.

I'm not very good at continue. for example, diet, eat healthy, get up this time..

I decided to work out because my last winter clothe doesn't fit me.

and exercise is also good for mental health.


I know why. by medical reason.

I've learned about massage before, and also about psycology in the same time.

because body and emotion are very close, and related.


when you are depressed, your standing position maybe bent back.
that's because you are scared of something or nervous and you don't breathe enough, this cause your chest muscle stiff. (because your lung doesn't move enough)
chest muscle contracts and pull your shoulders, here is the depression position!

depression position cause many bad things.
if your shoulders set more forward than it supposed to be, you get a back pain.
you can't stand right, then you get knee pain as well.
if you have knee pain, it makes your ankle stiff, then you feel hard to walk.

when you feel its hard to walk, you don't want to move, you don't have to breathe because you're not moving enough.

if you are lack of oxygen, your brain going to be dopey, can't think positive, everything seems so worthless.


I know this feelings, I have been in a depression episode many times, even I know this logic, its hard to get out.


right now, I'm not in a depression mood, neither manic mood(I guess)

I want to keep this mood as long as I can, and also I want to keep my blog and working out.
keeping blog can be good to see how I was after a while, because I know I am like a different person every episode.
I gave up on remembering, looking back, and keep any memories. so this is like my diary.

actually this blog is something like a challenge for myself, as I wrote I'm not good at continue, but I want to continue "something"


okay, so maybe its not fun to read this time though, I try keep uploading my life and paintings.
thank you for reading. good night.

they are tshirt and boots I painted, actually the boots haven't be done yet, I'll upload later soon.

I'm going to sell them on ebay, I'm wating for the id confirmation.

if you would like to buy my tshirt, or boots, just comment me please.

I have more tshirts and caps. boots is only this.

The first day

I survived today. 1st of January 2016.

I am now very scared.

Lack of sleep

When i'm lack of sleep, i'm gettin in manic gradually.

I need around 10 hours sleeping a day.
8 hours, its not enough.
If i sleep 12 hours, i get tired.

Its hard to tell if i'm depressed or just tired.
if i'm in a mani episode or just i'm happy.

I don't really know the line.

When i look back, i can tell that maybe it was 'manic' when i tried to make a traffic accident. When i jumped out from my balcony. When i destroyed everything in my room.

Its like the safe space is so small.

Like in a movie mission impossible. They try to going through the razor security. They calculate how many cm they should move to right side, left side..

Only 1cm can kill them.

Only a small small happening can push me into depression or manic episode.

They are moving on for the mission.

I wonder what my mission is.

I don't see any treasures after the razor security.

When i'm tired, i feel like to move a lot. Which is manic. Very strange.

More i tired, more i stay awake, i feel like i never be able to sleep again.

Right now, i'm like this.
Not so bad, so i know what i should do. Sleep.

This is so frustrated, i force myself to go to bed taking a sleeping pill.
But real me wants to stay awake drawing pictures or many things. And i feel i'm having the ability.
people says 'you can just stay awake. You can do what you want'
I want to believe their words.
I don't want to believe my doctor.

But my experience tells me that i should follow to my doctor.

I don't want guil anymore.
i don't want to regret anymore.
I don't want to dream anymore.

As long as my body is under my control, i should take pills and sleep.

And i will regret everything tomorrow. Then all will be done.

New years days

I used to get nervous on the last day of the year.

Still now, its kind of one of scary stuff for me.

Because even at the end of the day, or a month, i feel 'end'.

Its like when you close the book.
There are many stories, fantastic fairly tail in it, but once you close it, you can never seen. And it is time to get the other book. I mean 'next year'

This is sad.
And unsecure, because none has issurance for the next adventure.

I think i used to give too much inportance to all of 'last things'

What to wear on the last day?
Who to be with?
Where?

Many channels on tv show count down program.
I couldn't understand other normal channels.

They just doing random things and after they realize that they already in a new year? So rediculous.

I wanted everything under my control.

Now i'm getting understand that 'a year comes wether you wish or not.' It just comes, there's no control.

I still be nervous, feeling like i need to do something to close the book, and find the new book. But, better than before.

There is a big thing i discovered last year.
It sounds silly, but it was a big discovery for me.

Right after ending this year, the next year is right there waiting. There's no even one second to get in 'next year'

I remember i felt like i've no preparing time, nothing at all. And i was so surprised that people already knew this, and they live normally.

So now what i found out is, time goes by anyway.

Time is One of the most attractive stuff in the world.

It has different faces when you see from philosophical way, when you see from scientific way.

I like both.
Very mysterious.

I think i'm going to write about time soon.

By the way, this time, i'm glad to live normal on my new years days. I work from 1st of January, but still i wear a cap deep enough not to see around. I wear black just not to be effected by 'new' colors.

But i think i'm doing great this time comparing to past days.