Non

The most powerful energy is anger. When you angry, there are super fast and complicated chemistry reaction in your brain.
When i get angry too much, i don't even remember the stuff i did, saw, everything. Like lost memory.
I think most people had experience like that.

Nobody likes anger. But because of its super energy, sometimes i feel like i can creative by the emotion.

My biggest energy is from guilt. I've tried hard to hold it in, hide, and ignore.
But i found that creative arts needs 'power' not just 'pretty' 'beautiful' 'technical'.

Since i saw some areworks from artis, i felt i want to create thoes cool powerful stuff like them!

But i found its sooooo hard. I mean soooo painful inside of me. I face to my emotion, ugly anger, sadness, all the negative emotion attacking to kill my soul.

For one step for me, i downloaded a app that you can read news.
I used to stay away from news. Never watch new program, no on the phone news, anything.
i was hiding fron the world.

Now i don't know whats going on in this world, but i think its a good opportunity to open my scary door to grow up.

Colors

I think everyone had thoughts that Everything i see is actually a lot different.
Everything i see might be just soneone's dream, or imagination.
And then you might go on a journey of philosophy world, but in some point, you notice.. wait, what was the first question? Meh nevermind, i have a lot to do in THIS world.

I often think about this, what if its true? How can you tell?

But like drawn man cannot draw his wife, we can't figure out 'the truth'

It might be a philosophy.
it might be a physics.

just like this, i have an issue about colors.

Colors. It means a lot to me. I like colors.
but in the same time, sometimes, when i don't feel right, all colors sting my eyes and it actually hurts.
Its like they run into me for getting their identity. Or stealing my identity.

Then i try to look at them in Two dimensions. i try to stop them running.

Symptoms

Its getting cold these days and i feel like the world left me behind.
It feels so alone, feeling like everyone has been taken by alian and replaced.
I see everything as brand new, i feel like i haven't seen it before.
Then i think: what if its true that everything has been changed
Then i hear: cry of the cicada and wispering of woman's voice
Those makes me confused what is real. And my mind is exhausted by living this fake world pretending like i don't notice..
I feel danger of my life from the fake world.

I think all of this is not only from aspergar or bipolar.. i think its beginning of schizophrenia. Yes i know its crazy talking, but the problem is i won't be able to keep my mind sanity longer.
So what i do is taking sleeping pills and sleep as much as i can, hoping some day i wake up and i see the world i supposed to be.

Test

Two owls on the moon

sea horse

sea horse is called baby dragon in Japanese.
dragon is a funny creature. there is dragon in Chinese year, besides every animals are actually real animals but only dragon is from imagination.
or maybe dragon was actually lives in old times in China and Japan.

recently i skipped medicine for about a week, then i started hear things and feeling weird. my body was shaking and i was so thirsty.
after i take them again its getting better though, i'm frustrated everyday.
because when i wake up in the morning, i feel so so so tired and can't get up. even i can't get up to drink a glass of water.
it gradually get better to the night, after i eat dinner, i feel better again and i feel like to do something. going there and paint something, meet someone...
but its late, night. nothing i can do and the time for pills are coming.
this is the routine of my recent life.

so like today, i stay up late to enjoy my positiveness.

been busy

i haven't updated my blog for a while, happy new years!

i never been confortable traveling years. and so was this year.

every new years eve, i feel like i'm loosing everything. i am the only one to go to the next year.

so right after the clock says 00:00, i am so empty.

and the worst thing is there is no moment to prepare for the next year. not even one second. right after you pass through 23:59, next moment you are already in the first second of the next year.

i know its wrong. people live same lives, and everything are same. but you know, i just can't feel it.

what if i was right? what if the world is exist depends on me?

what if the world keep renewal everyday at 00:00?

what if also YOU are not the continual existence?

isn't it scary?

every new years days, i feel it and it makes me nervous.

this year also, i couldn't feel right for few days, but luckly, i got myself back!

FYI the reason i can't post my paintings picture, i broke my phone.

i was riding on a motorbike watching TV on my phone, and i dropped it><

it was a stupid idea to set my phone on a just plastic holder, without a strap just in case.

the "case" got to be happened, and now i'm living very inconvenient life...

but it can be good somehow, i can forget about "the time" which is i'm trapped forever.

thanks for visiting my blog. see you next time!

(hoping i will be able to post my paintings next time!)