Jesus

Today is the day jesus christ died.
Friend of mine who is in jehovah's witness invited me to the meeting.
I go to this meeting every year.
Its kind of special, of course jesus is a famous person and he died in this date.

i still don't understand why they appreciate he dead. I don't understand why jehovah is a good god.

Actually i hate jehovah, but i don't hate jesus. So it makes sense i go to the meeting for think of jesus.

But somehow, jehovah's witness people make me clear my mind, which i don't like.
I'm a person who ignore everything what i dislike.
They want to dig me deep to reach it.

What is the purpose of life?
Is jehovah a only one god?
How to have a happy life.
Why people suffering?
Why there's so many wrong things in the world?
How life started at the beginning?

These are like dangerous drug for your mental health.

My youngest friend is 7 years old. He's in jehovah, and i feel confusion when he tells me about jehovah. Because he's so innocent.
He wanted me to come to the meeting, so he showed me a video on my pc. He explained me a lot, why i should appreciate jesus died, how vehovah is caring me, and how he can feel it and how he's happy in jehovah's side.
He's telling me so innocent.
I don't know what to say.

I think i'm just not good at living life.

I hate jehovah because he created this world without my permission.
He's testing everyone. He's alone. And he control everything that i don't. He acts like he's smart. he acts like he knows everything.
Maybe i just don't like the idea of 'god'

Ok, i stop. As i said, its dangerous drug.

I just go to the meeting to make my mom and friends happy.
So i will be able to ignore everything from tomorrow.

Sakura

Cherry blossom will bloom soon. Maybe this weekend or by next week.

I have to prepare for this big event of the year.
I can't handle the situation of cherry blossom blooming all the sudden.
And its so busy.
When it blooms, it's ending so fast. Like in 2 weeks.

I change very slow, when i get to be able to deal with blooming them, its already gone.

So i decided to ignore them. I decided pretending like they aren't exist, so i don't have to worry about it too much. I can forcus to weather changing to summer.

But anyway, if its cherry blossoms season, it must to be warm sooner or later. I need to find my summer clothe and image my life in summer. Image training.

I'm very scared about the cherry blossom though, i need to believe myself to be able to handle it. I did, last year.

There are too many things attacking me. Pushing me down and try to kill me.
I wonder what is the poing of fighting for.
I may need the purpose. But nothing seems deserve for it...yet.
Maybe its like playing a game. Life game.
There's no winning or losing but just for fun. As long as its fun, it should be okay.
But it is also true that some people don't have even one pleasure in their life.

Maybe its because of physical disease, mental issue, whatever.
i want the governmant to accept this fact, just like swizland.

I try to make an information paper about why i need to die.
I told my doctor that i want euthanasia in swizland, and she said she need to know why i.think that way, and she can give me a letter for that.
Its sad that my doctor can't just give me, because of the law. If she does, its gonna make her as a murder.
I want to make her understand why i need to die, and i want her in my side. So we can find the way.

Rainy day

Its depression in rainy day.
But this time i feel more like strange, nervous.
I'm not sure what i am nervous about, but my heart beat faster and i sweat.

Maybe because its cold today. It was warm few days ago and i expected it to become spring soon. Now its cold.

I want season to be changing just like going next page in the book.

I don't like ' gradually ' changing.

I used to be very depressed in spring and fall. Because of this reason.
So i decided to set my own 'page' in the season. I set the beggining of october for winter last year.
It seems i need to set the time for summer very soon.
I have to watch the weather news very carefully, and see weather history.

By the way, it is very cold today. Its impossible to wear summer clothe now.

By the way
I talked to my friend few days ago, i met him in US, he was travelling around america by motorbike after he retired his job.
Its impressive that he's enjoying his life.
Because to enjoy something is a lot of work without getting paid.
Its like doing volunteer for your life.
enjoy something is what people can do only who has a perpose in their life.

I'm going to ask him what is his purpose in his life next time.

Birthday

Today's my birthday.
I try to be quiet on my birthday. It means a lot this time. I survived.

I got a ring for my birthday.
I tried to get a tatto, but eventually i didn't.
I got this ring instead.

I feel very strange. I never thought i would be alive when i'm 27.
Its so strange that people stay living normally.. still..

And i feel strong guilty.. i'm glad i haven't got the tatto. Because i'm still same. Nothing has been changed. Which is very disapointed.
maybe its worse, because i can feel the world want me to be dead.
I feel like everything is the sign to me.

Rest

after few busy days, as I said in the last blog, I got high.

I think I wasn't too high that I got some trouble, but I realized that I was pretty high.

its hard to stop getting higher, I cannot control enough yet.

but I'm better controling now.

what i mean is.. I think I'm done in a manic episode.

and its time to get some rest. if i rest, I'm sure I'll be better.

happy's over. I regret everything now. I feel too much.

I don't know what I'm regret about, but I wish everything didn't happen.

even happy thing like meeting my best friend, hanging out, fun talking. everything, I just want to delete all from my memory.

I know if I keep being busy, it will going to be worse. I will have a good time, but I'm getting loose my control, and I will have to regret more later.

what I hate is my birthday is coming soon. and the weather getting better (warm). I got some plans with my friends.

what a timing, I used to get in panic when my birthday, I hate it.

also weather getting warmer out of my control.

I'm very nervous right now. the idea of killing myself doesn't go away.

I want to be selfish. maybe this is what I should now? or keep myself busy?

there's nothing I want to do, I just suffering in the memory, depression is not coming yet, but it is going to be depression.

people says as long as I keep myself busy, I should be fine.

but this is not true, I found this is not true from my experience.

what I need is rest.

I wonder what is a point of living.

I suffer in my memory, even I had a good time, I need to pay by my depression. happy moment costs a lot. a lot of regrets.

I give important to avoid news. I don't know anything what is happening in the world.

if I see news on the tv, I change the channel or run away from there. I cannot even pay attention to anyone, I try hard to avoid news.

when I see old people, also I run away.

when I'm too high or too down, I hear too much, I hear everything that makes me crazy.

I survive listening to the music loud from the earphone.

ok I kind of understand I pay my regrets for my happy moment. everything cost in the world. 

but it is super expensive for me. 

I'm not living for happy moment. this is totally fake.

I live in a fake world. because I only can survive in the fake world, real world is too heavy for me.

what is the point of living?
even I cannot live properly.

today's picture i drew is "hijo de la luna" by mecano.

spanish song, it means the son of the moon.

Priority

There are always the answers.
When you have to choose something, there are.always priority.

How can i choose the right one?

1. Look at the future.
You have to consider enough about the future. If you choose A, you will have this in future. If B, you will have another future.
But future is very long spans.
You need to choose the right point of the time to make it the best.
You choose tomorrow? 30 years ahead? Or one second later from now?

Why i am talking about it because i had to choose. Go to bed or stay out.
I have been lack of sleep these days and i start feeling something wrong.
I have too much energy, which means i might going to manic episode.
Yea as usual, when i don't sleep, i get high.
So yesterday i was going to go to bed early, but many things happened, i didn't want to say good bye to my best friend. Because it has been a while since i saw her, and i'm not going to be able to see her long time again.
i was searching for the right time to consider about.
About tomorrow, i might be getting high. I work, i should control myself which i'm not 100% sure.
About 1 year. I might miss her, i regret that i left.i could stay with her longer but i choose not to.
And also i'm not sure about myself controling either.
About 1 second later, i might regret also.

Anyway, i chose to leave. But it was too late to take a.last train.
I could go home somehow, but i couldn't sleep enough.
After all.. i don't know if i did the best choice

Change the world

One of my favorite song, change the world by Eric Clapton.
I like the rylics, this is so sweet.
He's singing what he would do if he could change the world.

Inside of my deepest part, i kind of knowing that i can't change the world.
just ignoring it according to my theory 'if i don't see, it doesn't exist'

This song is a love song, which i don't really like usually.
But somehow, i love this song.
maybe because of the music is so coloful, and straight.

I've been trying to draw music this few months.
I drew this yesterday, listening to the song over and over.
But i'm not satisfied about it.
Because this painting can be tittled change the world by eric clapton, but its because i know the rylics.
It doesn't seem i really painted 'music'

I want to discribe the each sounds, tempo, up and down, feeling.

This is so hard.

Answers

Talking about the answer again.
This is happened today.

I was on the train, i was standing on the window side, there was a lady standing in front of me.
She was almost sleeping standing.
And she dropped her train ticket.
I think i saw she dropped, but she doesn't know, she's still sleeping.

Ok there's what should i do.
Should i tell her she dropped?
yes, it seems the rightest answer.
But there's more materials here.
She's sleeping. Should i or shouldn't i wake her up?
She might be surprised if i wake her up.
Maybe she thinks like what the hell this girl want from me.
I looked around, nobody cares about the ticket. And i think this way.
did i actually see she dropped? Is this really hers?
But there's still a ticket on the floor.
I'm getting be confused. Because i'm not confidentally saw. And i'm afraid of being looked silly.

Time over.

It took too much time to make a motion.
I went to think this way.
Maybe i didn't see it. It didn't happen.
Maybe it happened but apparently it seems it didn't. Because nobody cares about it. The right answer should be doing nothing in this case. Its too late anyway.

And i was imagining she loose her ticket and have to buy another one at the station..

Train arrived at the next station, she woke up. And the man standing next to me, he just pointed at the ticket to her!

She realized that she dropped it, and said thanks to him and got off the train.

Oh my god.
How smart! So neat!

The man next to me, he didn't loose the fact i lost. Which is 'she dropped? Or she didn't'
He kept the fact until she wakes up. So he didn't' need to bother her sleeping and make her freak out.

Everything is so perfect. I'm impressed.

Asperger's

I talked to my mom about asperger last night.
And she said since doctor told her that i have improving issue, she tried to speak clearly and explain more.

Thanks mom, i improved!

She told me about a story when i was 15 or something, she asked me to pass her rice plate, rice plate is called ochawan in japanese tho it literarily means tea ball , i didn't understand and passed her a glass.
And after she got to know i have that issue, she realized that she haven't taught me what its called.

And now i learned.

She says i just need to learn, if i learn, i understand.
People usually feel and get, but not logic.
I just need to know the logic.

I very appreciate my mom.

It was funny last night when i and mom were talking, and my dad came.
I and my dad talked a little bit about camera, and suddenly he left.
And my mom asked me 'do you know why he left?'
Hell no! He just left suddenly in the middle of our conversation!
She said 'he's coming back with his camera to show you'
I didn't believe her but my dad came back with his camera!!
Oh my god, there're more things to learn apparently.
I felt like my mom has a super power.

I have everything in my head as a data, logic, theory.
i don't feel, so i have to see, listen, and think. And i know how to make the answer, its like calculation in my head.
Some people say sometimes there's no right answer. But there IS. ALL THE TIME.
And i know everything is black or white. Nothing is in between.
Even when people say there's no one correct answer, they feel something. And i don't. Which means i need to find the answer what they expect.
It takes time to find the answer sometimes, especially when i have too many informations. I need to pick up the right information and calculate.
Its a lot of work, but people usually do it without thinking, even without knowing.
It can be like a handycap for me, but once i learn, i do better than anyone.

invisible is scary. I don't believe emotion, time, and so on. Because i don't see them. What i don't see, its nothing for me. Yes, for me, but me is all.
But just like doing FX like controling money that its not exist yet.. if you know the logic, even if it is not exist yet, you can control. And get real money. Yes, answer.
I'm doing my life like this.

I think i can write a book 'comunication' for asperger's people. Well, maybe some great doctor already done a lot though.