Irritation

Its been a while to write here.
I've been quite normal, that doesn't make me write anything.
Its good that i don't have to worry too many things, but on the other hand, its so boring.

And flat life makes me weak.

But i'm still drawing.
I plan to apply competitions.
Recently, i'm wondering how to 'draw' moving stuff, flavor, music.

super woman

this picture I draw as a flat and normal, for average.

because in fact, i drew only the feature of the face, the point of the eyes, space for nose, and mouth.

I put on her makeup.

yes, I used my real cosmetics. sounds fun, huh?

only mascara, I couldn't because she's a paper! she doesn't have hair!!!

so sadly her eyelash is painted by brush.

anyway, even me got surprised!

oh my god, makeup magic!

by the way, talking about my condition, its getting bad i guess, when I with my friends, I speak alot, tell them a lot, at night I regret , after wake up regret, but again when i see friends, I became super hippy woman.

the night i took the medicines, after that, I feel like i am nobody, and the medicine took my identity..can't walk, can't eat or drink. 

but I should keep going...

see ya

manic episode of bipolar disorder

I've been too lazy to write my blog. 

I was not in a depressed mood, I'm doing pretty ok. I try publishing my artwork and clothing products.

I'be been lazy on Etsy and some other websites too, but right now, I feel like I can keep working on it.

besides, I went to doctor yesterday, my doctor said I might in a manic episode.

I'm too active, insomnia, talk a lot... it seems like its good.

honesty, it feels good to me too. except, sometimes I regret a lot, that is a big heavy regret that I can't even get up. 

I can't see the line between what I can do and what I shouldn't do.

everynight after take pills, I try to sleep for about 2 hours. then I give up on falling asleep, get up and do something. painting, watch netflix, etc..

i finally sleep in the morning, for about 2,3hours. its like I spent all my energy completely.

when I wake up, I'm totally great.

but after living like that for few days, I sleep over 10hours.

after 10 hours sleep, I wake up, and I regret everything. right after waking up, the memories of what I did, heard, talked, acting and everything coming up on my mind like a tsunami wave.

its so heavy that I cuddle and grab my own hair, my body would be shaking and I scream.

after few hours, I gradually get better, and in the evening, I would be completely ok.

and then, I repeat the circle again...

today's picture, I painted it by watercolor .

I name is "BAT MAN"

I'm pretty satisfied of this paint. hope you like it^^

see you~

Circle

Maybe i could drew this as a crying eye.

Patterns

When all patterns settle on the right spot, everything gonna be perfect.

Paint my door 3

Paint my door 2

Paint my door

Friends

Its hard to make friends.
Some people do it like nothing. But if you start thinking about it, its hard.
I can't rememver how i made my privious friends.
Now i want new friends to hangout, but i don't know how to talk to them.

Boys are simple, they like my looking or they don't.
If they like me as a girl, they see my body. If they don't, they see other girls. If they treat me just a friend, they talk to me about other girls looking my face.

But girls, ahh very hard.
If we have same very close hobby or something, it might be easier, but. I can't trust girls. Because i don't see what they are thinking. They are very good at pretending. They pretend like they like you, but maybe not.

I wish i could read them.

None

people

Each person is smart and interesting but when they gather its ridiculous and annoy.

Its just like traffic jam on holidays.

Cars run fast but when they get gathered its so slow. soooo slow.

just like war.

each person wish for peace but when they get gather they kill each other.

I wonder why.

there is an old saying, when three people gathered they can get a good idea.

THIS IS NOT TRUE!

how can we make it work when we are all together?

for example traffic jam, its getting soooo slow because they are fighting each other.

they try to cut in the line, they try to turn right middle of the traffic...

if they have same reason to go, they can go faster.

just like car race.

they have same reason to run, they can go faster even there are so many cars.

about the war, if they had a same reason to fight, they can get along.

like the movie independence day.

people can finally get peace to fight against to aliens.

but both are impossible.

people are different, that's people.

meaning, its impossible to get going faster on holidays, and peace.

important

your way is depending on your wish.

in never ending story, Bastian can make all his wishes true because he has aurin.

he's way is depending on his wishes.

so he has to go through all wishes to get to the goal, the answer.

this is not about aurin, it is just a symbol of "wish"

but this is also true that you can make your wishes happen in real life.

all is connected, everything is inevitable.

wishes. we don't really know our won wishes. maybe its in your deeeeep mind that you can't notice.

and that your wishes affect your life...

Happy

I heard interesting thing from radio last night.
Someone said 'people who look forward for waking up tomorrow morning are happy'

Happiness is a big subject. Many people many philosipher think it.

For me, this phrase makes sense.
Happiness is desire, it is toward to the future.

Not this moment.

There's a famous story of blue bird.
I don't really know the details but it is like..

The girl, she's going to find a happy blue bird. After adventures, she finally find the bird in her house.

Happiness is very close to you.

This is kind of good story though, very typical.

Because i think this way.

Happiness is around people who doesn't take everything serious.

So in my opinion, philosiphers never be able to be happy.

I say i'm happy quite often. Its because i want give some happiness to people around me.

But for me, i don't know if i'm happy.
Because i want to be happy, i expect too much. And think too much.

Of course my condition is kind of handycap. But there are more people having worse condition. So its not a big deal.

People who doesn't care things, doesn't think, doesn't want a true are happy.
Because lie is sweet.

Is happy a moment? Or stays forever?
From which level of joy is called happiness?
Are you happy?

imagination

imagination is huge.

maybe the cat is just at home. 

maybe the cat is just imagine he's by the ocean. or he's dreaming.

but if i draw him by the ocean, even if its just a imagination, I created the proof, and I made it true.

true is sometimes just a thing someone "made"

the cat is seeing the ocean, sunset.

ocean is mysterious, there are so many weird creatures...

I feel fear with them, because I don't know them.

sky is mysterious too. there is air, cloud, and going to the universe.

there are very colorful but the color is just a light.

we see the sky blue but maybe for other animals it maybe red, green, pink, whatever.

ocean looks blue but this is also just the light effect. water doesn't have any color, ...or maybe?

what color is the sunset view by the ocean?

I see blue, red, and shiny yellow. but who know its same color with other people seeing?

I think the cat is seeing different view for sure. different from what I see.

Goal

Having goal is good for you satisfy your life.

If you want to success you better by little steps.

For me, i want to do my own business. I draw and paint, and i want people to know my work.

I want people to know myself.

Also i want to make euthanasia more common in japan.

There should be a lot of people suffering who wants to end up their life.

These are kind of a huge goal.

What i should do is a first step.

Maybe its keep doing drawing and painting.

Maybe keep searching for the euthanasia.

This blog is also one of my small steps.

I don't know if i'm in manic episode so that i think this way.

I no longer know myself, what is true..

Last night was too noisy that i couldn't sleep.

Somebody yelling right to my left ear, and i hear some people talking all the time.

It happens on the train too, i hear people talking, i feel some people looking at me, which is very annoying.

I know its not normal.

Maybe i'm insane...again.

This is so scary to feel people are watching me.

I know it won't stay long.

After this, i'll be depressed.

Clear

maybe since this week, I am very clear.

I feel a lot, have energy and ideas. probably this is a good hypomanic state.

it won't stay so long, I just enjoy this moment for now.

in this kind of hypomanic state, I'm more creative and active.

and I feel like I love myself. very confident.

if it goes more far, it will be real manic episode and I will be too confident myself that I think I can even fly. which is pretty dangerous.

this is interesting. when it got warm, right then, I started feeling this way.

I don't want to believe this, but it seems like I actually bipolar disorders and it is depending on the weather.

it means I need medication rest of my life...

as every time I feel, it feels like I'm new in the world. I see everything different now.

after sakura, it got warm and everything changed.

I can see the air. I can taste the sunlight. this is so weird.

few times in a day, I trip somewhere. its like I'm Alice.

today I went to the ocean, be a turtle, ate the moon...

the moon tasted like some fruit I ever had. not juicy, a bit like avocado...

once I went up the big big tree, I didn't see the view, I only saw the big big tree from the top.

there were no animals, but I smelled good tree.

when I touched the cloud, it flash fired and disapeared.

the sounds of the piano is rounded.

violine is yarn.

shadow is alive, cars are talking, everything talks to me...

death

I'm going to join to the market this saturday to show my products and drawings. hopefully someone will buy one.

these days I feel infinity.

I survived 26 years old and I don't see any end.

sometimes I feel like to just jump in front of the train and ignore everything in this world.

I feel its too much for me to carry everything.

but I wonder what I am carrying.

my own life? family? friends? I feel like I'm carrying everything of this world.

I remember when my cat died.

her name was Nana. we had her mommy cat, so Nana got birth in my house. 

since I was 13years old, she was with me.

after I moved to the other house of my parents, I took her with me.

she slept with me, eat with me, she was really nice cat.

last year, she got cancer. while she was dying I was thinking to kill her.

because I loved her so much that I didn't want her to suffer.

at the end, she couldn't even stand up, so I took her to her favorite place in my room.

I took picture with her, and I told her bye bye and thank you.

and asked her if she want me to kill her.

of course she's a cat, she didn't say anything but I remembered one thing.

my old friend who passed away when I was 20, he was nearly 60.

he taught me so many things, and he was my teacher of my life.

once he told me he had illness that might not be able to cure, he said

"even if i know the end, I'd like to live until the end. this is how animals feel"

he taught me even how it feels like when someone dies.

so eventually. I didn't kill my cat, Nana.

at the end, she stopped breathing, it looked like she decided to stop it.

I told her to breathe, once she restart breathing, but she stopped again, and didn't restart again.

I saw how her eyes goes away, how life is ending in natural way. it was beautiful.

and I felt something like desire in it.

this was so sad and painful, but in the same time, I felt "the end" and it felt good.

I know its weird but this is how it is for me.

Solution

Whatever happens, there always solution.
If you realize you had no cash after eating in a restaurant, maybe you can use credit card, ask for ATM, call friend to help you out.

If sakura bloom, i can ignore them, stay home, wear big hat deep.

If you are abused by someone, you can ask for help.

If you lost job, you can do another job.

There's always solution, only as long as you want the future.

When do they give up on the solution?

Some people give up when they lost job. When abused by someone.

Its not included someone who has serious disease and dying, or have the situation of not being able to live, for example hangar in poor country.

When they give up on the solution?

When they decided not to have the future.
When they don't like the outcome future.

I understand that.
Because i still don't know the purpose of living.
If its not fun to live anymore, i think 'suicide' is one of the choices.

I don't like that thinking 'suicide is a big guilty'
most people think this way. But they don't know their thoughts is Contradictory.

People say 'live for yourself' 'its your life' 'you are in charged for your live' but 'suicide is bad'

Why suicide is bad?

Because your family will be sad?
Because you shouldn't give up?
Because you have to appreciate your mom?

These don't mean 'live for yourself'
Its more like saying 'live for people'

But i know live for people is very mentally unhealthy.
I've tried once when i was in high school, i lived one year for my parents. And i got
Psychopathic symptom and got in a hospital.

I know its unhealthy. I don't think its right thing to do.

I hope japan also accept euthanasia for mental disorders someday.

Tempo

I wonder if its only me..
I like 3/4 music. For example waltz.

I like 6/8 too which is almost like 3/4.

Recently, i knew there's 5/4 music.

I download some, and i really like it.
I feel like its stumble, great unbalance.

Both 3/4 and 6/8 has attraction, 5/4 has a big attraction too.

Nowadays most of pops music are 4/4.
It sounds very completed and perfect but in the same time its boring. Because art should be unbalanced in some part.

Perfect is not all the time perfect.

The number 4 is known as perfect. If you have 4 of sticks, you can make table. Tough table.
In bible also, we can see how this number is for 'perfect'

I wonder if its only me who find an attraction in weakness.

I used to think i was perfectionist. Because i always upset something doesn't make sence and say 'everything around me has to be perfect, everything have to be under my control'

This is kind of a big discovery of myself.
I'm attracted by unbalanced

In a same page

I went to high building and saw my city.
I saw the shadow of the cloud laying down on the city.

There were shadow's side, and sunny side.

People who is in the shadow's side, they think its cloudy day, but people who is in sunny side, they think its sunny day.

I also saw its raining by the mountain.

Sunny day, cloudy day, and rainy day should be separated.
Because weather reporter say either one.

Just like we never know the truth, the weather is also mystery. I feel like we made a mistake how to call the weather.

Sophy's world, there was interesting example.
We are fleas living on rabbit skin.
Some fleas going up to the top of the far, and sees we are living on a rabbit!
Most fleas are keep living on the skin because its confortable, but they never know where they live.
In the book, who went up to see the world was philosopher.

Philosophy is breaking your mind up.
But just like 'nothing' in never ending story, it has strongly attraction.

Sakura 2

I decided, from yesterday spring started.
Now i accept cherry blossoms.

I turned the page.

Yesterday when i saw my doctor and told her my daily life, she said i have
Psychopathic symptom and i shouldn't have taken less medicine.

Psychopathic symptom is not from bipolar or aspergar's. I wonder why i have these.

I hate medicine for Psychopathic symptom, it makes me so tired, feel heavy, as it happens i feel depressed.

Having Psychopathic symptom is already pretty tough, but as long as sink deep inside, i don't feel so fear.
As long as i have something to protect, i should stand right here though.

Its like walking on the edge of waterfall.
I always having fear to fall down. As long as i see where my feet, it won't happen but still scary.

Jesus

Today is the day jesus christ died.
Friend of mine who is in jehovah's witness invited me to the meeting.
I go to this meeting every year.
Its kind of special, of course jesus is a famous person and he died in this date.

i still don't understand why they appreciate he dead. I don't understand why jehovah is a good god.

Actually i hate jehovah, but i don't hate jesus. So it makes sense i go to the meeting for think of jesus.

But somehow, jehovah's witness people make me clear my mind, which i don't like.
I'm a person who ignore everything what i dislike.
They want to dig me deep to reach it.

What is the purpose of life?
Is jehovah a only one god?
How to have a happy life.
Why people suffering?
Why there's so many wrong things in the world?
How life started at the beginning?

These are like dangerous drug for your mental health.

My youngest friend is 7 years old. He's in jehovah, and i feel confusion when he tells me about jehovah. Because he's so innocent.
He wanted me to come to the meeting, so he showed me a video on my pc. He explained me a lot, why i should appreciate jesus died, how vehovah is caring me, and how he can feel it and how he's happy in jehovah's side.
He's telling me so innocent.
I don't know what to say.

I think i'm just not good at living life.

I hate jehovah because he created this world without my permission.
He's testing everyone. He's alone. And he control everything that i don't. He acts like he's smart. he acts like he knows everything.
Maybe i just don't like the idea of 'god'

Ok, i stop. As i said, its dangerous drug.

I just go to the meeting to make my mom and friends happy.
So i will be able to ignore everything from tomorrow.

Sakura

Cherry blossom will bloom soon. Maybe this weekend or by next week.

I have to prepare for this big event of the year.
I can't handle the situation of cherry blossom blooming all the sudden.
And its so busy.
When it blooms, it's ending so fast. Like in 2 weeks.

I change very slow, when i get to be able to deal with blooming them, its already gone.

So i decided to ignore them. I decided pretending like they aren't exist, so i don't have to worry about it too much. I can forcus to weather changing to summer.

But anyway, if its cherry blossoms season, it must to be warm sooner or later. I need to find my summer clothe and image my life in summer. Image training.

I'm very scared about the cherry blossom though, i need to believe myself to be able to handle it. I did, last year.

There are too many things attacking me. Pushing me down and try to kill me.
I wonder what is the poing of fighting for.
I may need the purpose. But nothing seems deserve for it...yet.
Maybe its like playing a game. Life game.
There's no winning or losing but just for fun. As long as its fun, it should be okay.
But it is also true that some people don't have even one pleasure in their life.

Maybe its because of physical disease, mental issue, whatever.
i want the governmant to accept this fact, just like swizland.

I try to make an information paper about why i need to die.
I told my doctor that i want euthanasia in swizland, and she said she need to know why i.think that way, and she can give me a letter for that.
Its sad that my doctor can't just give me, because of the law. If she does, its gonna make her as a murder.
I want to make her understand why i need to die, and i want her in my side. So we can find the way.

Rainy day

Its depression in rainy day.
But this time i feel more like strange, nervous.
I'm not sure what i am nervous about, but my heart beat faster and i sweat.

Maybe because its cold today. It was warm few days ago and i expected it to become spring soon. Now its cold.

I want season to be changing just like going next page in the book.

I don't like ' gradually ' changing.

I used to be very depressed in spring and fall. Because of this reason.
So i decided to set my own 'page' in the season. I set the beggining of october for winter last year.
It seems i need to set the time for summer very soon.
I have to watch the weather news very carefully, and see weather history.

By the way, it is very cold today. Its impossible to wear summer clothe now.

By the way
I talked to my friend few days ago, i met him in US, he was travelling around america by motorbike after he retired his job.
Its impressive that he's enjoying his life.
Because to enjoy something is a lot of work without getting paid.
Its like doing volunteer for your life.
enjoy something is what people can do only who has a perpose in their life.

I'm going to ask him what is his purpose in his life next time.

Birthday

Today's my birthday.
I try to be quiet on my birthday. It means a lot this time. I survived.

I got a ring for my birthday.
I tried to get a tatto, but eventually i didn't.
I got this ring instead.

I feel very strange. I never thought i would be alive when i'm 27.
Its so strange that people stay living normally.. still..

And i feel strong guilty.. i'm glad i haven't got the tatto. Because i'm still same. Nothing has been changed. Which is very disapointed.
maybe its worse, because i can feel the world want me to be dead.
I feel like everything is the sign to me.

Rest

after few busy days, as I said in the last blog, I got high.

I think I wasn't too high that I got some trouble, but I realized that I was pretty high.

its hard to stop getting higher, I cannot control enough yet.

but I'm better controling now.

what i mean is.. I think I'm done in a manic episode.

and its time to get some rest. if i rest, I'm sure I'll be better.

happy's over. I regret everything now. I feel too much.

I don't know what I'm regret about, but I wish everything didn't happen.

even happy thing like meeting my best friend, hanging out, fun talking. everything, I just want to delete all from my memory.

I know if I keep being busy, it will going to be worse. I will have a good time, but I'm getting loose my control, and I will have to regret more later.

what I hate is my birthday is coming soon. and the weather getting better (warm). I got some plans with my friends.

what a timing, I used to get in panic when my birthday, I hate it.

also weather getting warmer out of my control.

I'm very nervous right now. the idea of killing myself doesn't go away.

I want to be selfish. maybe this is what I should now? or keep myself busy?

there's nothing I want to do, I just suffering in the memory, depression is not coming yet, but it is going to be depression.

people says as long as I keep myself busy, I should be fine.

but this is not true, I found this is not true from my experience.

what I need is rest.

I wonder what is a point of living.

I suffer in my memory, even I had a good time, I need to pay by my depression. happy moment costs a lot. a lot of regrets.

I give important to avoid news. I don't know anything what is happening in the world.

if I see news on the tv, I change the channel or run away from there. I cannot even pay attention to anyone, I try hard to avoid news.

when I see old people, also I run away.

when I'm too high or too down, I hear too much, I hear everything that makes me crazy.

I survive listening to the music loud from the earphone.

ok I kind of understand I pay my regrets for my happy moment. everything cost in the world. 

but it is super expensive for me. 

I'm not living for happy moment. this is totally fake.

I live in a fake world. because I only can survive in the fake world, real world is too heavy for me.

what is the point of living?
even I cannot live properly.

today's picture i drew is "hijo de la luna" by mecano.

spanish song, it means the son of the moon.

Priority

There are always the answers.
When you have to choose something, there are.always priority.

How can i choose the right one?

1. Look at the future.
You have to consider enough about the future. If you choose A, you will have this in future. If B, you will have another future.
But future is very long spans.
You need to choose the right point of the time to make it the best.
You choose tomorrow? 30 years ahead? Or one second later from now?

Why i am talking about it because i had to choose. Go to bed or stay out.
I have been lack of sleep these days and i start feeling something wrong.
I have too much energy, which means i might going to manic episode.
Yea as usual, when i don't sleep, i get high.
So yesterday i was going to go to bed early, but many things happened, i didn't want to say good bye to my best friend. Because it has been a while since i saw her, and i'm not going to be able to see her long time again.
i was searching for the right time to consider about.
About tomorrow, i might be getting high. I work, i should control myself which i'm not 100% sure.
About 1 year. I might miss her, i regret that i left.i could stay with her longer but i choose not to.
And also i'm not sure about myself controling either.
About 1 second later, i might regret also.

Anyway, i chose to leave. But it was too late to take a.last train.
I could go home somehow, but i couldn't sleep enough.
After all.. i don't know if i did the best choice

Change the world

One of my favorite song, change the world by Eric Clapton.
I like the rylics, this is so sweet.
He's singing what he would do if he could change the world.

Inside of my deepest part, i kind of knowing that i can't change the world.
just ignoring it according to my theory 'if i don't see, it doesn't exist'

This song is a love song, which i don't really like usually.
But somehow, i love this song.
maybe because of the music is so coloful, and straight.

I've been trying to draw music this few months.
I drew this yesterday, listening to the song over and over.
But i'm not satisfied about it.
Because this painting can be tittled change the world by eric clapton, but its because i know the rylics.
It doesn't seem i really painted 'music'

I want to discribe the each sounds, tempo, up and down, feeling.

This is so hard.

Answers

Talking about the answer again.
This is happened today.

I was on the train, i was standing on the window side, there was a lady standing in front of me.
She was almost sleeping standing.
And she dropped her train ticket.
I think i saw she dropped, but she doesn't know, she's still sleeping.

Ok there's what should i do.
Should i tell her she dropped?
yes, it seems the rightest answer.
But there's more materials here.
She's sleeping. Should i or shouldn't i wake her up?
She might be surprised if i wake her up.
Maybe she thinks like what the hell this girl want from me.
I looked around, nobody cares about the ticket. And i think this way.
did i actually see she dropped? Is this really hers?
But there's still a ticket on the floor.
I'm getting be confused. Because i'm not confidentally saw. And i'm afraid of being looked silly.

Time over.

It took too much time to make a motion.
I went to think this way.
Maybe i didn't see it. It didn't happen.
Maybe it happened but apparently it seems it didn't. Because nobody cares about it. The right answer should be doing nothing in this case. Its too late anyway.

And i was imagining she loose her ticket and have to buy another one at the station..

Train arrived at the next station, she woke up. And the man standing next to me, he just pointed at the ticket to her!

She realized that she dropped it, and said thanks to him and got off the train.

Oh my god.
How smart! So neat!

The man next to me, he didn't loose the fact i lost. Which is 'she dropped? Or she didn't'
He kept the fact until she wakes up. So he didn't' need to bother her sleeping and make her freak out.

Everything is so perfect. I'm impressed.

Asperger's

I talked to my mom about asperger last night.
And she said since doctor told her that i have improving issue, she tried to speak clearly and explain more.

Thanks mom, i improved!

She told me about a story when i was 15 or something, she asked me to pass her rice plate, rice plate is called ochawan in japanese tho it literarily means tea ball , i didn't understand and passed her a glass.
And after she got to know i have that issue, she realized that she haven't taught me what its called.

And now i learned.

She says i just need to learn, if i learn, i understand.
People usually feel and get, but not logic.
I just need to know the logic.

I very appreciate my mom.

It was funny last night when i and mom were talking, and my dad came.
I and my dad talked a little bit about camera, and suddenly he left.
And my mom asked me 'do you know why he left?'
Hell no! He just left suddenly in the middle of our conversation!
She said 'he's coming back with his camera to show you'
I didn't believe her but my dad came back with his camera!!
Oh my god, there're more things to learn apparently.
I felt like my mom has a super power.

I have everything in my head as a data, logic, theory.
i don't feel, so i have to see, listen, and think. And i know how to make the answer, its like calculation in my head.
Some people say sometimes there's no right answer. But there IS. ALL THE TIME.
And i know everything is black or white. Nothing is in between.
Even when people say there's no one correct answer, they feel something. And i don't. Which means i need to find the answer what they expect.
It takes time to find the answer sometimes, especially when i have too many informations. I need to pick up the right information and calculate.
Its a lot of work, but people usually do it without thinking, even without knowing.
It can be like a handycap for me, but once i learn, i do better than anyone.

invisible is scary. I don't believe emotion, time, and so on. Because i don't see them. What i don't see, its nothing for me. Yes, for me, but me is all.
But just like doing FX like controling money that its not exist yet.. if you know the logic, even if it is not exist yet, you can control. And get real money. Yes, answer.
I'm doing my life like this.

I think i can write a book 'comunication' for asperger's people. Well, maybe some great doctor already done a lot though.

Expression

Today i was talking to my friend, and he said he found an interesting girl that he likes. She's a porn star.

He says its not like that he likes her playing or her body and stuff.
He reads her blog constantly, and he thinks she's mysterious.

i asked what makes her so interesting.

He said
she likes buildings. Factory buildings.
She likes buildings? That's not what girls do!

Hmmm ok.

She sometimes just take a photo of herself just standing somewhere without smile.
That's not what girls do either!!

Hmmm
And he showed me some drawings that she drew.
They were pretty, very good with poems.

He said which one the biggest impact him, it was two drawings.

One is a couple looking at the beautiful city lights.
And saying 'what you are looking at...'

Second one is a window, a man is working in it.
And saying 'is built by someone'

My friend said 'oh my god this is so deep! I've never seen city lights this way. She's incredible '

I felt something through this.
I've been thought or see in the other way of people, and yeah, i had felt like this when i saw city lights.

Well.. i thought a little different way though.
I thought, i see whole city lights built by little single windows.
I may see someone's working, or cooking, or making love, through the window, All lights.
as i see this city lights view, i felt like i'm having their lives. Actually i'm seeing them, i'm having them right in my hand.
I catch their piece of life, from every single windows.
I felt energy. I felt power, i felt fear.

anyway, what i mean is..
I have thought 'unique' way somehow.
but i've never be able to express it in a right way. Like my friend, he didn't know even though we've been to see city lights many times.
i thought 'expression' is difficult.

Who am i?

I wamt to be  a person who is deep.

And i'm getting to be like that.

When i was 14 and 15 years old, i used to think  'where am i?' "Who am i?'

The beggining of philosophy.

I've been lost in the great question for long and i don't get the right answer yet.

But sometimes i think this way.
I am nobdoy, i am what people see through their coloful glasses.

Some people see i'm a hard worker, some people see i'm lazy.
Some people see i'm good at drawing, some people.don't.

some people thinks i'm silly, stupid, crazy.
But some people thinks i'm interesting.

Just like everything is, i am 3D as well.
You can't tell what is 'me' by one side.

But thinking in 3D way, very difficult.
i feel more like...
Who am i? I'm the king of the world.

Everything is exist because of me, only for me.
What i don't like, i can delete.
Even people, even building, anything.
If i die, everything will disappear.

By the way, in my real life, i have friends. I talk a lot, i enjoy social life. I know how to smile, how to make people smile, what is funny.
so many people don't believe that i have mental disorders and wishing to end everything.
Because i look healthy.
Because i can pretend so.

Its like i'm having a beast in my mind.
I can keep him in a cage, but sometimes i need to take him to a walk.

Take him to a walk, can be some art, can be being a little crazy, can be a dangerous philosophy or religion.

This is what everyone do though. They try to hide the beast.
I try not to hide him, because beauty is usually scary.

Have a nice weekend!

Cup

I was practicing drawing crying eyes..

as you know I like water color.

I used to hate it, because water doesn't listen to me, they go everywhere out of my command.

but when I watch someone painting water color on youtube, they are so beautiful.

and now I like water color pretty much.

by the way, I've been working on making my website for Japanese.

I listing on ebay or Etsy, and this blog are all English. now its time for working on my country too.

so I was preparing my website, listing some stuff there, and also making new shirts, during I was having a cold...

now I'm getting better though.

so today, I'd like to talk about the cup.

this is my mother used to say.

you can major only with your cup.

if your cup were big, you can easily major a smaller cup.

but you cannot see how much is the ocean, because it is too big for you.

when you see a bigger thing than you, you find fear? admire? or both?

I felt this, actually felt this in my life.

when I found someone I used to admire was just a human.

when I get confidence in my saying.

I wish I would be someone's ocean someday. I'd like to be admired.. and impress people.

I wish I had a great imagination skill.

I like reading fantasy stories. and there are many non-existed creatures, such as dragons or elf or whatever.

and everything are so beautiful. and standing by themselves.

I can imagine, but I'm more like a audio person.

I hear good. 

so even when I imagine something, I imagine more sounds than visions.

it means I need more practice of drawing.

talking about an audio person, I give importance to sound all the time.

for example I remember some stories correctly, because I don't care about the meanings or stories, I just remember the sound.

when I need to remember some numbers, I do the same. actually I don't remember the number, when I write the sound down and read it, and then, I see the number.

this is how it works..

by the way, I uploaded a new video on youtube. please subscribe or just let me know what you think on the comment ^^

https://youtu.be/CTuqDqGKYZg

have a nice weekend!

The rabbit in the moon

I've been sick for days, I thought it was just a cold but it went too long to recover.

I still have high temperature though getting better..

during I was sick, I've been to work, having insomnia. nothing was good for health.

but I like physical pain somehow. I can focus to pain, sick, exhausting. the worst thing is on the way to recover. I feel better and better and my mental pain coming back more and more.

I'm in the bed, not too sick to be able to fall asleep, but not too good to be able to get up and do things.

my memories attack me pushing me down. 

if you get one, you loose one.

this is so true, I got mental peace when I'm sick. when I'm fine, I always thinking death.

there's no reason why I want to die, its interesting.

anyway, even during I was sick, I'm happy to have some work to do.

my part time work, mascot charactor job.

my regular job, massage(this is also by myself by the way).

and of course the tshirt paintings and helping my friend making the Japanese course.

right now, helping Japanese course is almost part of my life now. because I don't really have a specific vision of my future business yet. I'm still thinking.

anyway (again)

I drew a picture of the story "the rabbit in the moon" the old story of Japan. for the Japanese course.

this is kind of cruel story as every old stories are.

long time ago, there were a rabbit, a monkey, and a fox.

one day an old man came to ask them for a food.

monkey and fox could find some foods to give him but rabbit couldn't.

so rabbit decided to sacrifice himself so the old man can eat him.

the rabbit jumped in the fire.

after the rabbit went in the fire, an old man showed up his real appearance. 

he was the god named Taishakuten

Taishakuten felt sorry about the rabbit and in the same time he appreciated of his sacrifice.

so he put the shadow of the rabbit in the moon so that all people can see it and remember the brave of the rabbit.

oh my god...

poor rabbit.

old stories are always ALWAYS cruel. I wonder why.

I don't know a happy peaceful bright story in those.

but, I'm not gonna write every my feelings this time, I haven't done my theory yet.

maybe soon..

youtube

https://youtu.be/9LZghHa6O7Q

this is the link for my tshirt painting!
I just published it, and I'm soooo happy about it.

I'm going to upload videos like this constantly. if you like it, please subscribe to check out future videos!

Future

I think of future these days.
I used to think my life would be end up in this year.
Now i don't want to kill myself here.
As i wrote last time, i wish this year for my semicolon point.

And i drew the life i want. I wish to have.. and as i imagine details i can make it happen.

I want to live with art.
I want peope to know myself.
I want to stay confident with my mental issues.

I have a knowledge of massage.
I draw a picture. I have a passion.
I speak english and japanese.

When i use all of them in a 'right way' i think i can make some money to live.
I don't need a lot of money, i just want to stay living in a happy moment.

I may be going to sell my motorcycle that i love.
I need money right now and i choose not to get a part time job.

Its hard to work right now honesty. I want to keep my motivation.
I don't want to get back to the hospital.

When i choose something, there's always 'risk'
I take the risk that i have to loose my bike than getting a part time job.

Semicolon

http://dailysignal.com/2015/07/09/the-moving-meaning-behind-the-viral-semicolon-tattoo/

Have you seen semicolon tattoo?

I'm thinking to get one on my arm.

as I mentioned before, I had a feeling of my 26 age. I thought I would die or marry.
it seems neither gonna happen in a month..

I don't want to kill myself. I wish I could but as long as I'm standing normal I try to avoid suicide.

I want to let many people know how it is like to live with depression or whatever.

I sometimes fall into depression, sometimes so bad that I would go crazy.
sometimes I feel very happy that much I could fly away. and I repeat them over and over.
even though I'm taking medication properly, it seems impossible to live "normal life"

maybe its because I also having aspergar's syndrome, I am not good at people.

I usually don't know the answer that seems easy for people around me.
they look at me weirdly as like thinking "why can't she understand this shit? just a simple thing. so stupid"
if I was working, boss yelling at me but I could never been able to understand the answer.
sometimes I loose job because of this, and I never know the answer.

life is difficult, for everyone. none lives just happy life. I know this, but I want people to know how hard to deal with aspergar's and bipolar disorders.

I'm all the time scared because maybe next moment I would be feeling different.
next moment, maybe the world changes everything and attacks me pushing me down.
or next moment, maybe someone smiling in front of me would be upset, mad at me, yelling at me.
its hard to discribe, but every moment I see differently.
even colors are changing, I hear differently, feel differently.
I feel like what is changing is myself.
next moment I would be the different person.


anyway.

I don't want to kill myself.
I want to live strong.
but the curse is right next to me, this is the number 26.

now I thought this way.
maybe I can make this age for the turning point of my life.
to swear never give up.


this is a big dicision, I need to think about it.

I haven't drawn any new pictures, sorry about it but these are my products I painted.

they are available in Etsy.

https://www.etsy.com/shop/Rico81Japan?ref=hdr_shop_menu

thank you and have a nice day!

Reading

Mr.Carl Conrad Coreander and a bat

Purple buffalo and Cairon

Atreyu, green skin people

I start reading Never Ending Story again. I've read this story over 10 times in my life.
its been a while since last time.

it is written by Michael Ende. this story is amazing!
this is a famous story and there also a movie. but the movie? I didn't like it at all.

the movie just stole the charactors and made the story completely different. I know it happens sometimes, so I don't blame the producer, its just my opinion.

in Never Ending Story, there is a boy who is reading the Never Ending Story, and I read both of the stories.

I've read this book when I was kid. but now I re-reading is and I found it very interesting.

First, in the story, the enemy is "Nothing"

this is already interesting though, he writes this way.

" some would even fall in on purpose if they got too close to the Nothing. It has an irresistible attraction"

irresistible attraction. wow

and why is this Nothing happening, there is a queen who is called Childlike Empress.

although she's kind of a queen, she does nothing. she is just exist and that's what she suppose to do. 

just existing there is giving all creatures life and everything.

this is her meaning of existence.

Atreyu who is going adventure for saving the world, he found the reason of Nothing.

this is because everybody forgets Childlike Empress's name. she had a name before, but now nobody knows her name.

so someone has to give her a new name. 

Name, Existence, irresistible attractive Nothing..