Expression

Today i was talking to my friend, and he said he found an interesting girl that he likes. She's a porn star.

He says its not like that he likes her playing or her body and stuff.
He reads her blog constantly, and he thinks she's mysterious.

i asked what makes her so interesting.

He said
she likes buildings. Factory buildings.
She likes buildings? That's not what girls do!

Hmmm ok.

She sometimes just take a photo of herself just standing somewhere without smile.
That's not what girls do either!!

Hmmm
And he showed me some drawings that she drew.
They were pretty, very good with poems.

He said which one the biggest impact him, it was two drawings.

One is a couple looking at the beautiful city lights.
And saying 'what you are looking at...'

Second one is a window, a man is working in it.
And saying 'is built by someone'

My friend said 'oh my god this is so deep! I've never seen city lights this way. She's incredible '

I felt something through this.
I've been thought or see in the other way of people, and yeah, i had felt like this when i saw city lights.

Well.. i thought a little different way though.
I thought, i see whole city lights built by little single windows.
I may see someone's working, or cooking, or making love, through the window, All lights.
as i see this city lights view, i felt like i'm having their lives. Actually i'm seeing them, i'm having them right in my hand.
I catch their piece of life, from every single windows.
I felt energy. I felt power, i felt fear.

anyway, what i mean is..
I have thought 'unique' way somehow.
but i've never be able to express it in a right way. Like my friend, he didn't know even though we've been to see city lights many times.
i thought 'expression' is difficult.

Who am i?

I wamt to be  a person who is deep.

And i'm getting to be like that.

When i was 14 and 15 years old, i used to think  'where am i?' "Who am i?'

The beggining of philosophy.

I've been lost in the great question for long and i don't get the right answer yet.

But sometimes i think this way.
I am nobdoy, i am what people see through their coloful glasses.

Some people see i'm a hard worker, some people see i'm lazy.
Some people see i'm good at drawing, some people.don't.

some people thinks i'm silly, stupid, crazy.
But some people thinks i'm interesting.

Just like everything is, i am 3D as well.
You can't tell what is 'me' by one side.

But thinking in 3D way, very difficult.
i feel more like...
Who am i? I'm the king of the world.

Everything is exist because of me, only for me.
What i don't like, i can delete.
Even people, even building, anything.
If i die, everything will disappear.

By the way, in my real life, i have friends. I talk a lot, i enjoy social life. I know how to smile, how to make people smile, what is funny.
so many people don't believe that i have mental disorders and wishing to end everything.
Because i look healthy.
Because i can pretend so.

Its like i'm having a beast in my mind.
I can keep him in a cage, but sometimes i need to take him to a walk.

Take him to a walk, can be some art, can be being a little crazy, can be a dangerous philosophy or religion.

This is what everyone do though. They try to hide the beast.
I try not to hide him, because beauty is usually scary.

Have a nice weekend!

Cup

I was practicing drawing crying eyes..

as you know I like water color.

I used to hate it, because water doesn't listen to me, they go everywhere out of my command.

but when I watch someone painting water color on youtube, they are so beautiful.

and now I like water color pretty much.

by the way, I've been working on making my website for Japanese.

I listing on ebay or Etsy, and this blog are all English. now its time for working on my country too.

so I was preparing my website, listing some stuff there, and also making new shirts, during I was having a cold...

now I'm getting better though.

so today, I'd like to talk about the cup.

this is my mother used to say.

you can major only with your cup.

if your cup were big, you can easily major a smaller cup.

but you cannot see how much is the ocean, because it is too big for you.

when you see a bigger thing than you, you find fear? admire? or both?

I felt this, actually felt this in my life.

when I found someone I used to admire was just a human.

when I get confidence in my saying.

I wish I would be someone's ocean someday. I'd like to be admired.. and impress people.

I wish I had a great imagination skill.

I like reading fantasy stories. and there are many non-existed creatures, such as dragons or elf or whatever.

and everything are so beautiful. and standing by themselves.

I can imagine, but I'm more like a audio person.

I hear good. 

so even when I imagine something, I imagine more sounds than visions.

it means I need more practice of drawing.

talking about an audio person, I give importance to sound all the time.

for example I remember some stories correctly, because I don't care about the meanings or stories, I just remember the sound.

when I need to remember some numbers, I do the same. actually I don't remember the number, when I write the sound down and read it, and then, I see the number.

this is how it works..

by the way, I uploaded a new video on youtube. please subscribe or just let me know what you think on the comment ^^

https://youtu.be/CTuqDqGKYZg

have a nice weekend!

The rabbit in the moon

I've been sick for days, I thought it was just a cold but it went too long to recover.

I still have high temperature though getting better..

during I was sick, I've been to work, having insomnia. nothing was good for health.

but I like physical pain somehow. I can focus to pain, sick, exhausting. the worst thing is on the way to recover. I feel better and better and my mental pain coming back more and more.

I'm in the bed, not too sick to be able to fall asleep, but not too good to be able to get up and do things.

my memories attack me pushing me down. 

if you get one, you loose one.

this is so true, I got mental peace when I'm sick. when I'm fine, I always thinking death.

there's no reason why I want to die, its interesting.

anyway, even during I was sick, I'm happy to have some work to do.

my part time work, mascot charactor job.

my regular job, massage(this is also by myself by the way).

and of course the tshirt paintings and helping my friend making the Japanese course.

right now, helping Japanese course is almost part of my life now. because I don't really have a specific vision of my future business yet. I'm still thinking.

anyway (again)

I drew a picture of the story "the rabbit in the moon" the old story of Japan. for the Japanese course.

this is kind of cruel story as every old stories are.

long time ago, there were a rabbit, a monkey, and a fox.

one day an old man came to ask them for a food.

monkey and fox could find some foods to give him but rabbit couldn't.

so rabbit decided to sacrifice himself so the old man can eat him.

the rabbit jumped in the fire.

after the rabbit went in the fire, an old man showed up his real appearance. 

he was the god named Taishakuten

Taishakuten felt sorry about the rabbit and in the same time he appreciated of his sacrifice.

so he put the shadow of the rabbit in the moon so that all people can see it and remember the brave of the rabbit.

oh my god...

poor rabbit.

old stories are always ALWAYS cruel. I wonder why.

I don't know a happy peaceful bright story in those.

but, I'm not gonna write every my feelings this time, I haven't done my theory yet.

maybe soon..

youtube

https://youtu.be/9LZghHa6O7Q

this is the link for my tshirt painting!
I just published it, and I'm soooo happy about it.

I'm going to upload videos like this constantly. if you like it, please subscribe to check out future videos!

Future

I think of future these days.
I used to think my life would be end up in this year.
Now i don't want to kill myself here.
As i wrote last time, i wish this year for my semicolon point.

And i drew the life i want. I wish to have.. and as i imagine details i can make it happen.

I want to live with art.
I want peope to know myself.
I want to stay confident with my mental issues.

I have a knowledge of massage.
I draw a picture. I have a passion.
I speak english and japanese.

When i use all of them in a 'right way' i think i can make some money to live.
I don't need a lot of money, i just want to stay living in a happy moment.

I may be going to sell my motorcycle that i love.
I need money right now and i choose not to get a part time job.

Its hard to work right now honesty. I want to keep my motivation.
I don't want to get back to the hospital.

When i choose something, there's always 'risk'
I take the risk that i have to loose my bike than getting a part time job.

Semicolon

http://dailysignal.com/2015/07/09/the-moving-meaning-behind-the-viral-semicolon-tattoo/

Have you seen semicolon tattoo?

I'm thinking to get one on my arm.

as I mentioned before, I had a feeling of my 26 age. I thought I would die or marry.
it seems neither gonna happen in a month..

I don't want to kill myself. I wish I could but as long as I'm standing normal I try to avoid suicide.

I want to let many people know how it is like to live with depression or whatever.

I sometimes fall into depression, sometimes so bad that I would go crazy.
sometimes I feel very happy that much I could fly away. and I repeat them over and over.
even though I'm taking medication properly, it seems impossible to live "normal life"

maybe its because I also having aspergar's syndrome, I am not good at people.

I usually don't know the answer that seems easy for people around me.
they look at me weirdly as like thinking "why can't she understand this shit? just a simple thing. so stupid"
if I was working, boss yelling at me but I could never been able to understand the answer.
sometimes I loose job because of this, and I never know the answer.

life is difficult, for everyone. none lives just happy life. I know this, but I want people to know how hard to deal with aspergar's and bipolar disorders.

I'm all the time scared because maybe next moment I would be feeling different.
next moment, maybe the world changes everything and attacks me pushing me down.
or next moment, maybe someone smiling in front of me would be upset, mad at me, yelling at me.
its hard to discribe, but every moment I see differently.
even colors are changing, I hear differently, feel differently.
I feel like what is changing is myself.
next moment I would be the different person.


anyway.

I don't want to kill myself.
I want to live strong.
but the curse is right next to me, this is the number 26.

now I thought this way.
maybe I can make this age for the turning point of my life.
to swear never give up.


this is a big dicision, I need to think about it.

I haven't drawn any new pictures, sorry about it but these are my products I painted.

they are available in Etsy.

https://www.etsy.com/shop/Rico81Japan?ref=hdr_shop_menu

thank you and have a nice day!

Reading

Mr.Carl Conrad Coreander and a bat

Purple buffalo and Cairon

Atreyu, green skin people

I start reading Never Ending Story again. I've read this story over 10 times in my life.
its been a while since last time.

it is written by Michael Ende. this story is amazing!
this is a famous story and there also a movie. but the movie? I didn't like it at all.

the movie just stole the charactors and made the story completely different. I know it happens sometimes, so I don't blame the producer, its just my opinion.

in Never Ending Story, there is a boy who is reading the Never Ending Story, and I read both of the stories.

I've read this book when I was kid. but now I re-reading is and I found it very interesting.

First, in the story, the enemy is "Nothing"

this is already interesting though, he writes this way.

" some would even fall in on purpose if they got too close to the Nothing. It has an irresistible attraction"

irresistible attraction. wow

and why is this Nothing happening, there is a queen who is called Childlike Empress.

although she's kind of a queen, she does nothing. she is just exist and that's what she suppose to do. 

just existing there is giving all creatures life and everything.

this is her meaning of existence.

Atreyu who is going adventure for saving the world, he found the reason of Nothing.

this is because everybody forgets Childlike Empress's name. she had a name before, but now nobody knows her name.

so someone has to give her a new name. 

Name, Existence, irresistible attractive Nothing..

Sound

Recently, i hear a lot.
My doctor asked me if i'm hearing 'existed' sound, but who knows. I actually hear.

By the way, it makes me crazy, because i hear too much noise. Yea, its really noisy.

So i'm listening to the music or watching tv shows at home, i wear a hat and earphones, and ear cuffs.
But still i hear even foot steps...

Sound is interesting.
When i hear sound of instrument, i reconize it a sound.
When i hear unknown languages, i reconize it as a sound.
Only when i hear japanese or english, i reconize it 'meaning'

When i study spanish, just a sound is becoming to something has meanings.

Sound has meanings, if i don't understand, its just because i don't know the way of swallow.

I used to have absolute pitch of the sounds.
When i hear something, i could find the same pitch on the piano.
Since i have current medication, its gone.
I still do the hearing, but my pitch became a little bit lower.
A sound is G sound for me, F sounds E to me.

It can be happen in 'languages'

For example, in Kyoto, kyoto people are known as ironic.
Its a famous story that when they serve you a free tea or snacks, it means 'get out!'

I've seen a tv show about kyoto.
They interviews people in Osaka(next prefecture of kyoto)
"What do you think it means?''
They show the conversation.

Woman says " i hear piano that your daughter playing, she got very well!'
Othe woman says 'oh thank you! I'm proud of her'

If it was in osaka
They said 'well, she got better playing. Its a compliment, i suppose'

If it was in kyoto
They said 'oh, the piano sound is noisy. And the daughter's playing should be very bad. I'm pretty sure the woman is quite mad.  And the other woman knew what she meant but she doesn't going to solve the noise troubles'

Interesting.

Same language can be different meaning sometimes.

Prejudice is convenient, you can imagine faster. Learning languages is basically prejudice.
When you hear apple, you imagine red rounded tiny fruit.

But its annoy in the same time.

Some smart guy in the history said. He was a philosopher.
All we were clean brand-new plate when we borned.
Its getting painted, built, to totally different. By using languages, seeing a lot of things, feeling, touching...

If i were the brand-new plate, i think there were much more things i could do.

3D drawing

I was watching 3D drawing on youtube.

it is very simple.
if you draw just as same as you see, it will be realistic.

every single line, if you draw the same, it will be "same"


same to 3D. if you make the same as you see, it will be same.
if you cook just perfectly following to the recipe, you can make the real taste.

same to everything, all you need is to see.

I wonder why people cannot create anything alive.

is it impossible to make just the same as we see everyday?

I'm not good at biology, I don't know how much we discovered about our body.


I thought it was simple, but in fact, even drawing "same" is difficult..

this is painted on T shirt, a glass and the earth.

I found them very beautiful, that's why i painted both in the same Tshirt.

I'm selling it on some websites. this one is sold on etsy

https://www.etsy.com/shop/Rico81Japan?ref=hdr

here you can see my products on ebay^^

http://www.ebay.com/sch/riekoch-0/m.html?item=272119154476&hash=item3f5b90c72c%3Ag%3AlP4AAOSwa-dWq4SW&rt=nc&_trksid=p2047675.l2562

thank you!
I'll post 3D drawing soon

Appreciate

I'm sorry to write all negative post these days, its pretty hard times for me.

But i very appreciate that you come here to read my blog.
Everytime i see people from where coming to visit my blog, i'm very happy^^

I try to keep uploading my drawings and paintings too, so please come to check sometimes.
Thank you.

Worse

I thought it was depression yesterday.
But it doesn't seem only depression, maybe the opposite.
Because today its hard to hold on my anger, hear too many noise, see too much things that make me upset.

I wear a cap deeply, and listen to loud music, but still i hear too much noise.

I try not to see around but i feel.

I had a nightmare even though i slept only few hours.
I didn't feel i actually had sleeping.

It seems more busy than depression.

I feel it more dangerous, risky to do something wrong.
I was confortable to make people unconfortable.
I could speak without thinking, and i don't really remember what i said.

I think its a beggining of manic episode.
Ah i miss that moment.. i felt like i was a hero or something, felt like i was high by special drug.

It is frustrated.

If i go wrong, it'll be killing hard to deal.

I'm going to take a sleeping pill as soon as i get home.

Depression

I found that i may be in a depression mood these days.

I've been feeling something wrong, my body was tired and no idea comes up my mind.
I was irritated of everything,
It was hard to deal with anger.
I remembered many things and i regret all.
I feel like i lived too much to deal with all of my memories.

I was wondering why. Why am i like this? Last days i spent many time on drawing or painting, something creative.
It took me few days to figure out but i finally did.
It is depression.

People ask me what push me into depression, what happened..

But honesty,  i have no idea.

My illness is called bipolar disorder. I repeat manic episode and depression episode over and over.
I've been thinking what cause me to switch between those.

Definitely lack of sleep can cause me manic episode.
I found this before.

But depression?
After manic episode i always having depression term.
so when i get tired, i get in depression?

But i haven't had that big manic episode these days.
Maybe that's why i am not in that big depression mood right now.

Anyway, everything is so ridiculous.
i hate all of the world included myself.