Happy

I heard interesting thing from radio last night.
Someone said 'people who look forward for waking up tomorrow morning are happy'

Happiness is a big subject. Many people many philosipher think it.

For me, this phrase makes sense.
Happiness is desire, it is toward to the future.

Not this moment.

There's a famous story of blue bird.
I don't really know the details but it is like..

The girl, she's going to find a happy blue bird. After adventures, she finally find the bird in her house.

Happiness is very close to you.

This is kind of good story though, very typical.

Because i think this way.

Happiness is around people who doesn't take everything serious.

So in my opinion, philosiphers never be able to be happy.

I say i'm happy quite often. Its because i want give some happiness to people around me.

But for me, i don't know if i'm happy.
Because i want to be happy, i expect too much. And think too much.

Of course my condition is kind of handycap. But there are more people having worse condition. So its not a big deal.

People who doesn't care things, doesn't think, doesn't want a true are happy.
Because lie is sweet.

Is happy a moment? Or stays forever?
From which level of joy is called happiness?
Are you happy?

imagination

imagination is huge.

maybe the cat is just at home. 

maybe the cat is just imagine he's by the ocean. or he's dreaming.

but if i draw him by the ocean, even if its just a imagination, I created the proof, and I made it true.

true is sometimes just a thing someone "made"

the cat is seeing the ocean, sunset.

ocean is mysterious, there are so many weird creatures...

I feel fear with them, because I don't know them.

sky is mysterious too. there is air, cloud, and going to the universe.

there are very colorful but the color is just a light.

we see the sky blue but maybe for other animals it maybe red, green, pink, whatever.

ocean looks blue but this is also just the light effect. water doesn't have any color, ...or maybe?

what color is the sunset view by the ocean?

I see blue, red, and shiny yellow. but who know its same color with other people seeing?

I think the cat is seeing different view for sure. different from what I see.

Goal

Having goal is good for you satisfy your life.

If you want to success you better by little steps.

For me, i want to do my own business. I draw and paint, and i want people to know my work.

I want people to know myself.

Also i want to make euthanasia more common in japan.

There should be a lot of people suffering who wants to end up their life.

These are kind of a huge goal.

What i should do is a first step.

Maybe its keep doing drawing and painting.

Maybe keep searching for the euthanasia.

This blog is also one of my small steps.

I don't know if i'm in manic episode so that i think this way.

I no longer know myself, what is true..

Last night was too noisy that i couldn't sleep.

Somebody yelling right to my left ear, and i hear some people talking all the time.

It happens on the train too, i hear people talking, i feel some people looking at me, which is very annoying.

I know its not normal.

Maybe i'm insane...again.

This is so scary to feel people are watching me.

I know it won't stay long.

After this, i'll be depressed.

Clear

maybe since this week, I am very clear.

I feel a lot, have energy and ideas. probably this is a good hypomanic state.

it won't stay so long, I just enjoy this moment for now.

in this kind of hypomanic state, I'm more creative and active.

and I feel like I love myself. very confident.

if it goes more far, it will be real manic episode and I will be too confident myself that I think I can even fly. which is pretty dangerous.

this is interesting. when it got warm, right then, I started feeling this way.

I don't want to believe this, but it seems like I actually bipolar disorders and it is depending on the weather.

it means I need medication rest of my life...

as every time I feel, it feels like I'm new in the world. I see everything different now.

after sakura, it got warm and everything changed.

I can see the air. I can taste the sunlight. this is so weird.

few times in a day, I trip somewhere. its like I'm Alice.

today I went to the ocean, be a turtle, ate the moon...

the moon tasted like some fruit I ever had. not juicy, a bit like avocado...

once I went up the big big tree, I didn't see the view, I only saw the big big tree from the top.

there were no animals, but I smelled good tree.

when I touched the cloud, it flash fired and disapeared.

the sounds of the piano is rounded.

violine is yarn.

shadow is alive, cars are talking, everything talks to me...

death

I'm going to join to the market this saturday to show my products and drawings. hopefully someone will buy one.

these days I feel infinity.

I survived 26 years old and I don't see any end.

sometimes I feel like to just jump in front of the train and ignore everything in this world.

I feel its too much for me to carry everything.

but I wonder what I am carrying.

my own life? family? friends? I feel like I'm carrying everything of this world.

I remember when my cat died.

her name was Nana. we had her mommy cat, so Nana got birth in my house. 

since I was 13years old, she was with me.

after I moved to the other house of my parents, I took her with me.

she slept with me, eat with me, she was really nice cat.

last year, she got cancer. while she was dying I was thinking to kill her.

because I loved her so much that I didn't want her to suffer.

at the end, she couldn't even stand up, so I took her to her favorite place in my room.

I took picture with her, and I told her bye bye and thank you.

and asked her if she want me to kill her.

of course she's a cat, she didn't say anything but I remembered one thing.

my old friend who passed away when I was 20, he was nearly 60.

he taught me so many things, and he was my teacher of my life.

once he told me he had illness that might not be able to cure, he said

"even if i know the end, I'd like to live until the end. this is how animals feel"

he taught me even how it feels like when someone dies.

so eventually. I didn't kill my cat, Nana.

at the end, she stopped breathing, it looked like she decided to stop it.

I told her to breathe, once she restart breathing, but she stopped again, and didn't restart again.

I saw how her eyes goes away, how life is ending in natural way. it was beautiful.

and I felt something like desire in it.

this was so sad and painful, but in the same time, I felt "the end" and it felt good.

I know its weird but this is how it is for me.

Solution

Whatever happens, there always solution.
If you realize you had no cash after eating in a restaurant, maybe you can use credit card, ask for ATM, call friend to help you out.

If sakura bloom, i can ignore them, stay home, wear big hat deep.

If you are abused by someone, you can ask for help.

If you lost job, you can do another job.

There's always solution, only as long as you want the future.

When do they give up on the solution?

Some people give up when they lost job. When abused by someone.

Its not included someone who has serious disease and dying, or have the situation of not being able to live, for example hangar in poor country.

When they give up on the solution?

When they decided not to have the future.
When they don't like the outcome future.

I understand that.
Because i still don't know the purpose of living.
If its not fun to live anymore, i think 'suicide' is one of the choices.

I don't like that thinking 'suicide is a big guilty'
most people think this way. But they don't know their thoughts is Contradictory.

People say 'live for yourself' 'its your life' 'you are in charged for your live' but 'suicide is bad'

Why suicide is bad?

Because your family will be sad?
Because you shouldn't give up?
Because you have to appreciate your mom?

These don't mean 'live for yourself'
Its more like saying 'live for people'

But i know live for people is very mentally unhealthy.
I've tried once when i was in high school, i lived one year for my parents. And i got
Psychopathic symptom and got in a hospital.

I know its unhealthy. I don't think its right thing to do.

I hope japan also accept euthanasia for mental disorders someday.

Tempo

I wonder if its only me..
I like 3/4 music. For example waltz.

I like 6/8 too which is almost like 3/4.

Recently, i knew there's 5/4 music.

I download some, and i really like it.
I feel like its stumble, great unbalance.

Both 3/4 and 6/8 has attraction, 5/4 has a big attraction too.

Nowadays most of pops music are 4/4.
It sounds very completed and perfect but in the same time its boring. Because art should be unbalanced in some part.

Perfect is not all the time perfect.

The number 4 is known as perfect. If you have 4 of sticks, you can make table. Tough table.
In bible also, we can see how this number is for 'perfect'

I wonder if its only me who find an attraction in weakness.

I used to think i was perfectionist. Because i always upset something doesn't make sence and say 'everything around me has to be perfect, everything have to be under my control'

This is kind of a big discovery of myself.
I'm attracted by unbalanced

In a same page

I went to high building and saw my city.
I saw the shadow of the cloud laying down on the city.

There were shadow's side, and sunny side.

People who is in the shadow's side, they think its cloudy day, but people who is in sunny side, they think its sunny day.

I also saw its raining by the mountain.

Sunny day, cloudy day, and rainy day should be separated.
Because weather reporter say either one.

Just like we never know the truth, the weather is also mystery. I feel like we made a mistake how to call the weather.

Sophy's world, there was interesting example.
We are fleas living on rabbit skin.
Some fleas going up to the top of the far, and sees we are living on a rabbit!
Most fleas are keep living on the skin because its confortable, but they never know where they live.
In the book, who went up to see the world was philosopher.

Philosophy is breaking your mind up.
But just like 'nothing' in never ending story, it has strongly attraction.

Sakura 2

I decided, from yesterday spring started.
Now i accept cherry blossoms.

I turned the page.

Yesterday when i saw my doctor and told her my daily life, she said i have
Psychopathic symptom and i shouldn't have taken less medicine.

Psychopathic symptom is not from bipolar or aspergar's. I wonder why i have these.

I hate medicine for Psychopathic symptom, it makes me so tired, feel heavy, as it happens i feel depressed.

Having Psychopathic symptom is already pretty tough, but as long as sink deep inside, i don't feel so fear.
As long as i have something to protect, i should stand right here though.

Its like walking on the edge of waterfall.
I always having fear to fall down. As long as i see where my feet, it won't happen but still scary.