A snow ball

My friend told me i'm like a person who.is standing out side of the snow ball.

I'm collecting them, and i'm shaking it.

I see people's life. Shaking it as like i'm effect them..

But if so, i feel i'm useless. So useless.

I can see their lives, i can effect them as i shaking it.
But i never be able to control it to be better.

I can only see its snowing. I can never be able to pick it up from the inside. Build it up in inside of the snow ball.

But its actually a very beautiful story. I like it.
My best friend, she's trying to help my mind.

And i very appreciate that.

She has beautiful heart. I wish i had one as well.

I pretend like i'm a good person.

I remember i was giving homeless people dollars everytime i see them in US.

I gave a pack of cigarette to a homeless man who was collecting them from the ashtray.
He had a strong accent and i couldn't understand him at all.
But he understood my english so i asked him to listen to me a little.
We sat down on the bench, i was talking a lot. Actually i sometimes talking in Japanese as well which he might not understand. I didn't care, because i just wanted speak myself.

He was actually a nice man. Old nice man.
He looked very homeless, dirty and messy beard.
But i liked him.

I talked him about my guilty which i don't even know why i'm having it.

He was just listening to me, looking my eyes, but he didn't say anything. Only i understand from him was 'thank you'

And i was the only one who was talking, i didn't let him to speak because i didn't understand.

But it is one of precious memory in my US trip.

I could give him some money, but i didn't have my wallet at that time. Because it was right in front of the hotel i stayed.

It seems impossible, but i wish to see him again.

Because i feel guilt for him too.

Medication

today I'm going to talk about my medication I am having.

I take 12 pills every night.

Litium, Zyprexa, Valproic acid, Levomepromazine, and a sleeping pill which is Zopiclone.

Litium is scary.

one day I realized that my absolute pitch of music has been a little bit lower.

so when I play the piano, it sounds freaking crazy. I hear different sounds from which I play.

I told my doctor and she said its maybe because of Litium!
Litium! I wonder how it works in my body.

because this medicine makes my mind calm, smaller emotion waves, but makes my absolute pitch crazy.

the sense of music should be completely different out ways from emotion stuff.

secondly, Zyprexa. this is scary too.

especially girls. I'm a girl so I am interested of my weight.

and this zyprexa makes me forever eating.

combination of sleeping pills, I eat forever.

why I eat forever? because if I'm not, I feel like to throw up. 

and the next day, I'm not able to get up until dinner time.

there's nothing I can do. but fortunately 

my doctor gave me minimum amount of Zyprexa.

Zopiclone is good.

but sometimes some strange funny thing happen with me.

I eat, buy, walk around, talk to friends... without knowing.

well I pretty sure I'm okay at that time but,I don't remember anything.

even some of them I have told my disease before, he sees me with a little scary, nervous.. I can't discribe but he thinks I'm crazy.

it was sad that he saw me like that.

Painted a cap

I slept all day yesterday.
Maybe it was like a depression term. I don't even remember if i ate or drunk anything.
Today i realized that i skipped one day.

I remember some random moments.

I painted a cap, but i don't remember where that design come from.

Now my body is so tired for long sleeping, but i'm good.

I feel i'm just killing time until i die.

An angel

My friend told me i'm like an angel.
She said i'm a bit different from other people. 

I do'nt agree with that i'm an angel because of my religionic thoughts.

But i appreciate her that accepted me.

i don't really know what angels like, neither god or devil.

If they are what can see everything clear?

The god can see all brightness and beauty?

The devil sees all darkness and violence?

If so, i think i'm more like devil.

I don't like the god.

He created this world.

Why?

Because he was alone.

He says 'give people whatever you want to receive.' (It can be a bit different because i only know this word in japanese) 

But what people like is all different.

Even if you like coffee, maybe she likes tea.

Even if you like cheese, maybe he doesn't like it.

The god thought its beautiful, but not for me.

He let us to choose by ourselves.

So the first human made an mistake.

They ate the apple.

The god killed them, because they made a mistake.

This world is like the god's simcity.

He is the rule, and he is everything.

People afraid of die.

Because it belongs to devil.

But why devil is bad?

Because the god set so.

Now back to the angel topic, if the angel is who can see the truth, if i see the truth.

I'm not attracted for the truth.

Especially the fact that people don't want any truth.

People gets upset when i talk the truth.

Politician speaks random meaningless things with difficult words.

School teaches children what are good for government.

Truth is always painful.

None wants painful truth, 

Then what is the point for seeking the truth?

what is the purpose for living?

I still don't have the answer.

Guilt

This gonna be a little bit dark.
I'll write about my one of biggest emotion issue. Guilt.

I feel guilt for a lot of things. Even i don't know what i feel guilt for.

When i see someone happy, enjoy, sad, confused, born, die, everything.

Especially i feel it toward strangers. I rarely feel it to friends.
but i feel guilty for my parents.

This feeling is so strong that i can even get in a panic. Actually i've got in troubles with this panic guilty many times.
So i never ever watch tv news...

well here is my thinking for this strong guilty.

I think i want everything to be perfect. And i feel i'm in charged of everything somehow.
When someone fall down or whatever, there's nothing i can do.
But i actually saw it, and i feel that's my responsibility.

I feel guilt for not being able to control it.

So why i do not feel guil for friends?

I think its because i accept them to control themselves.
I let them be.

So why i feel guilt for my parents?

I think i've not grown enough to stand by myself. I still haven't separated myself from parents.
I feel i need to control them just like myself.

People says its wrong. And i know what they are talking.

But 

Sometimes i feel like i'm the god.

If i see, it exists. 

If i don't see, it doesn't exist.

I still can't throw this thought away.

So what i can do is, try not to see, not to hear, not to feel.

don't let them be.

I'd rather have nothing than happiness.

Sometimes i feel guilt for even my weight, breathe, existence.

Because if i wasn't exist, there was nothing in this world.

No war, no terolism.. everything.

Who can tell i am not the god?

Who can tell everything is not my fault?

I'm still suffering this guilt, and i think this guilt can kill me someday.

three-dimensional object

When i found the world was three-dimensional object, i was 17 or 18.

I was watching a science tv program. They were talking the temperature of the earth.
When the next ice age comes?
Can it be happened even the earth getting warmer for co2?
Something like that.

Scientist said the temperature of the earth is getting lower because ice age is coming.
He showed the graph of recent temperature of the earth.
the line was going down.

And then he showed the other graph that is with longer term. Like since BC100000 year.

the graph makes a waving line, and the line goes upper forward in this era.
If you look closer carefully, you can see the end of line is going a little bit down.

Wow that impressed me a lot!

The fact can be seemed completely different from different sights.

Its just like a circular cone.
When you look it down, it looks rounded.
When you look from the ground, it looks triangle.

Even if you can see it triangle, this is just a one of the world. This object can be square or circular or even star in the same time.

I learned that the truth is not only one.

Korean Friend

I met my korean friend today, she doesn't speak english, speaks a little Japanese.
I met her last year in a bar, we were talking with google translation app.

Then today i met her in a second time though, she spoke japanese pretty well this time.

But still we have some problem comunication.

I tried to speak slow, louder, clear, with easy words.

This is not too different from when i talk with japanese people.

I try to use words they know.
i try to speak how they feel confortable.

Its like when you talk to kids. young like 4, 5 year-old kids.
you use easy words for them, of course.

As you can see talking 'easy to hear' is not throwing away your identity or being just like a nice person.
You are actually training people. telling them what you are.

by the way, language need to be understood. this is one of a comunication tool.

learning more words makes your life worth. but using easy words makes human relationship.

about my korean friend, she wouldn't be my friend if I was talking difficult Japanese and made her confused.

I'm glad to be her friend, sharing some time with her.

because she has a completely different world from me, she has many experiences that I've ever had.

sharing time with her talking, I would be a part of her life, and she would be a part of my life.

when I was talking to her, I felt like this.

I'm standing against the wall, she's standing on the other side of the wall. there is a small hole.

she's giving her hand toward me through the hole, and so am I.

we are feeling our fingers touching, a bit by bit.. but we could keep conversation to know each other.

Appearance

As i wrote before in the other post, other people creats you.
I'm going to write about it today. How i think about human relationship.

i think 'yourself' (the iris) is shalted by a glass. Glass can be clear, or colored.

People think they are living their own life, they don't know they're wearing color glasses.

As i wrote before, everyone sees differently. Blue is not the same for all people. It can be other colors in cases.

So how can you appear?
use the glasses.

If someone says the apple is blue, even if its red you should say its blue. Because all colors are also depending on people. You have no control about it.

Who knows the apple is red or blue?

What i mean is to tell what they want to hear.
people have glasses, they don't listen to you.
When you tell them what they don't like to hear, they reconize that you say what they don't like. That's it. They are not interested in your opinion.

So what is the best way to keep a good relationship with other people?

You can use the same color of them. You should find which color they're having first. It seems pretty hard at the first time, but this is possible.

I'm not saying you have to throw away your opinion and just following them like a empty ghost.
You can still have your opinion, but you don't have to correct everything. Nothing can go perfect with people. You should give up on perfect in this case.

And who knows what the perfect is?
You are also a human..

What people want from you?
Maybe its smile, maybe its agreement, maybe its some nice meaningless words..

You don't have to seek for 'meanings' in conversations. Because there aren't any!

It seems pretty ridiculous, but it has a good side too.

You can be everything through the glasses!

If you treat them good, controlling the glasses well, they would like you.
Not only like you, they respect you and give you many precious experience.

Once you will be able to use the glasses well, your world will be much bigger. You have many colors under your control.
You see more that people do.

Perhaps you will get lost in colors. But i can't tell if its a good thing or not.

Because there seem not any 'real' in this world.

Eye

Eye. I'm going to talk about how i'm attracted eyes so much.

As i wrote last time. They are very mysterious . 

And the biggest thing for me is, i don't like to be watched. 

I used to wish to be invisible since i was a child. There is a song by Shiina Ringo the Japanese singer, invisible person. She sings how wonderful to be invisible , she can see everything clear and beautifully .

I agree with her.

When you are watched by someone, it means you are exist. This is how it works in this world. Everytime everything is depending on others. People makes who you are.

This sounds you are not be able to BE YOURSELF. No, never.

So other people's eyes can be your identity . 

And can be yourself.

As you can see in the first picture, animals eyes can be very meaningful sometimes. 

They don't speak like human. But they are also made by others. And they can make others.

Thinking about animals, i sometimes lost myself in colors.

I've seen a science tv program showing how butterfly look, how cats look, how dolphins look.

They were all different . Some animals can see only black and white, some animals can see over red, over purple ..

I feel like i've got lost in colors.

What is real?

What color is an apple?

Is this really exist ?

So back to the first picture, i drew human's eye but its broken. And the pieces of the eye refects animals eyes like a mirror.

I wish i can see 'the real' but it need to break my identity first for some other eyes.

Just like this picture.

About Me

Hi ! thank you for coming.

I'll write about myself today. and some paintings.

when I first time when to mental hospital was in high school.

my doctor didn't tell I have a bipolar disorder at that time, it took like 5 years to figure out.

during the 5 years, my doctor thought I had a schizophrenia. 

well talk about myself right now, I'm pretty good at dealing my emotion waves.

when I haven't slept enough, I'm getting in a manic episode and it's going to be seem not being able to sleep again.

after the manic episode I  get in depression. sleep all the time, nothing hope and sooooo sad all the time. 

so I guess my blog and paintings can be uploaded irregularly. 

Ok, I post my painting here so you can see!

 

You can see, i like to draw 'eyes' 

Eyes are very attractive for me, i don't know why. 

Maybe its because it looks mysterious, holding lights and darkness. Combination of many colors inside. 

It looks like a one of the world. 

When you see someone's eyes, you notice if he/she looks at you or not. Even you're not looking at them, you notice if you are watched.

Eyes have mysterious power.