Terrible

I feel so terrible.
It might be a depression, my heart creaming for help, i don't know what to do.
I am not sleepy but i cannot focus doing anything, what i can do is only feel this depression.

I wonder why all the sudden it happened.

Maybe its because of my period.
But i'm pretty sure that it is my dad's birthday today.

I don't want to see my dad, i don't know what to say, what to be look like, and i have guilty of all as usual.

Before this depression, i was pretty good floating my emotion wave. I was not too good either too bad.
But i was feeling 'wrong'. Because i was living like through the screen. Or through a plastic.
It didn't feel everything 'real'. That's why it was easy to live.

Now i see more clear i guess. But i don't know which one is better..

Before i die, i wanted to see natural, naked world, i wanted to let it be.
But i feel like i can't survive with this depression until march.

Maybe after my period, i would be coming back behind the plastic, maybe.

I don't like this at all. Why should i do this.

Astronauts need to wear a special material suit. Because in universe, there's no air and many bad lights for human.

I know this kind of depression and coming manic episode could kill me. But i want to feel the real..

I think its not late after i contact to Switzerland and Netherlands hospital.
Before they reject, i need to be 'normal' 'talkable' person.

February is coming.

Let it be

I used to have problems with working.
I have had a lot of jobs in my life.
I always quit so easily.

Maybe this is because i live with my parents, i can survive without working.

i wanted to live by myself, independent woman.

But it seems impossible for now.

Just a little thing annoy me, just a word can be giving me shock.
And i can't see what is the best on time, i need more time to understand.

People say they wonder why i can't do this. I can understand well and i can do complicated things, but why just a simple thing can't i do.

Everytime i worked hard and always doing my best, but i make mistakes that i don't understand.
I even don't know what was wrong.
But everytime before i find the answer, its already in past.

And i ask my boss what was wrong, but his/her answer is not even an answer.

Wrong thing can be 'right' to do sometimes.

I know this logic, but i still can't find the timing.

Guilt?

I just had an intereting conversation with my co-worker.

She said 'animals are cute because they are innocent. Who has guilty is only grown human'

I asked her 'does children has guilty?'

She said no.

I said 'but how about this case? Children can be very cruel sometimes. I used to picking out bugs legs when i was kid'

She said 'that is cute'

Hm. Oh, really?

She said 'but when children do something wrong is wrong. Taking drugs are guilty'

Okay, i'm confused. And i asked her what's the difference?

She said 'drugs are bad. Right? But picking out the legs are... yes, its cruel.. but it can be cute somehow. .....'
She's confused too.

And she asked me
"How old do you think to start having guilty?'

Gurh i've no idea.
Because i think they are all guilty from he beggining.

What you do

There is always what you WANT to do.

But it is hidden by several 'reasons'
There always what you should do.
What you 'supposed to' want to do.
What is good to do.
What is expected to do by others.

I often lose what 'my wishes' because of these.
i often confuse myself with others.

I used to be a very weird child. Some people hate me because of this,  but i wanted to be loved by everyone.

And i think i found the way. Pretty much.

It is my logic, and i success.

but the side-effect of this logic is losing myself.
When i found the logic was 15.
And i lost myself first time was 17.

Yes, my logic is not perfect.

It is stressful, and i was too young to find its not 'wrong' to be different.

But i think i'm on a better position for looking wider.
I can keep myself, and i can lose myself.
I need more time to control this though.

One of my logic of being a nice person.
Just listen, and say possitive.
Even if its wrong, who cares. I don't care, its not my business.
acting possitive, pretend like your interested in it, ask question what they want to speak.

Yea, this is why i say conversation is meaningless..

Next step

I think i've done on drawing eyes. I drew enough.

They are not that much attractive for me anymore.

I used to addicted drawing them but now, i want to draw something new.

Today i drew fire for my first time.
its pretty difficult.
First of all, the back ground should be dark, it means i have to paint black.
Secondly the fire should be looked moving.

Drawing eyes, fire also pretty much attractive for me. Its aggressive, and passionate.
Something straight and simple.

Sometimes i think why we have languages.
Animals don't use words because they don't 'pretend'

If they want, they take.
If they scared, they run away.

Very simple that i need.

People make everything so complicated.

There are always 'the answer' whatever you do.
But the answer is depending on the person.
What is the answer?
There are a lot, and they don't make any sense.

Truth should be simple, but truth doesn't mean 'correct' or 'right'.

Right thing to do is not depending on the truth..

That all because of languages and cultures what people created.

I found that truth is ' usually ' wrong.

Truth is what I shouldn't say, shouldn't do, shouldn't find.

Everything is too complicated, i feel i never be able to understand.

I know a little bit of psychology of treating people.
I'm pretty good at psychology, i know 'magic word' for making people confortable.
But what i find from this, is conversation is meaningless.

Nobody want any meanings from conversation.
Speaking is for themselves.
Listening is what choosing words to take.
Conversation is like a basketball game.
Everyone trying to catch a chance to speak, they try to go to the goal but somebody will take your ball. You can't finish your speaking. But anyway, you can take somebody's ball too. Its a match, you just try to be the top.

work, kind of

yeah, its kinda cheating. because I painted them for my "kind of" work.
actually I'm working for my friend's making a Japanese learning course, and a part of it, I'm showing my paintings for learning words.

I recorded them during I drawing, and my friend will make it speed up.

and this is one of the video that my friend made and I'm showing up for introduce Japanese cultures.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxOucqlOkk0

sorry for today's post, it looks like an advertisement, I'll do better tomorrow.

Angry wolf

I can't draw good..
I can feel something is wrong, it feels like numb.
Maybe its what i long to wish. But this feels so empty.
i don't really feel good, i don't even feel. But sometimes all the sudden it attack me, the guilty or an anger.
Maybe i'm going to lose my control? Or does it mean i am getting better?

I don't know why i draw so bad. I can't concentrate, i can't see the details, no ideas comes up.