death

I'm going to join to the market this saturday to show my products and drawings. hopefully someone will buy one.

these days I feel infinity.

I survived 26 years old and I don't see any end.

sometimes I feel like to just jump in front of the train and ignore everything in this world.

I feel its too much for me to carry everything.

but I wonder what I am carrying.

my own life? family? friends? I feel like I'm carrying everything of this world.

I remember when my cat died.

her name was Nana. we had her mommy cat, so Nana got birth in my house. 

since I was 13years old, she was with me.

after I moved to the other house of my parents, I took her with me.

she slept with me, eat with me, she was really nice cat.

last year, she got cancer. while she was dying I was thinking to kill her.

because I loved her so much that I didn't want her to suffer.

at the end, she couldn't even stand up, so I took her to her favorite place in my room.

I took picture with her, and I told her bye bye and thank you.

and asked her if she want me to kill her.

of course she's a cat, she didn't say anything but I remembered one thing.

my old friend who passed away when I was 20, he was nearly 60.

he taught me so many things, and he was my teacher of my life.

once he told me he had illness that might not be able to cure, he said

"even if i know the end, I'd like to live until the end. this is how animals feel"

he taught me even how it feels like when someone dies.

so eventually. I didn't kill my cat, Nana.

at the end, she stopped breathing, it looked like she decided to stop it.

I told her to breathe, once she restart breathing, but she stopped again, and didn't restart again.

I saw how her eyes goes away, how life is ending in natural way. it was beautiful.

and I felt something like desire in it.

this was so sad and painful, but in the same time, I felt "the end" and it felt good.

I know its weird but this is how it is for me.