Rest

after few busy days, as I said in the last blog, I got high.

I think I wasn't too high that I got some trouble, but I realized that I was pretty high.

its hard to stop getting higher, I cannot control enough yet.

but I'm better controling now.

what i mean is.. I think I'm done in a manic episode.

and its time to get some rest. if i rest, I'm sure I'll be better.

happy's over. I regret everything now. I feel too much.

I don't know what I'm regret about, but I wish everything didn't happen.

even happy thing like meeting my best friend, hanging out, fun talking. everything, I just want to delete all from my memory.

I know if I keep being busy, it will going to be worse. I will have a good time, but I'm getting loose my control, and I will have to regret more later.

what I hate is my birthday is coming soon. and the weather getting better (warm). I got some plans with my friends.

what a timing, I used to get in panic when my birthday, I hate it.

also weather getting warmer out of my control.

I'm very nervous right now. the idea of killing myself doesn't go away.

I want to be selfish. maybe this is what I should now? or keep myself busy?

there's nothing I want to do, I just suffering in the memory, depression is not coming yet, but it is going to be depression.

people says as long as I keep myself busy, I should be fine.

but this is not true, I found this is not true from my experience.

what I need is rest.

I wonder what is a point of living.

I suffer in my memory, even I had a good time, I need to pay by my depression. happy moment costs a lot. a lot of regrets.

I give important to avoid news. I don't know anything what is happening in the world.

if I see news on the tv, I change the channel or run away from there. I cannot even pay attention to anyone, I try hard to avoid news.

when I see old people, also I run away.

when I'm too high or too down, I hear too much, I hear everything that makes me crazy.

I survive listening to the music loud from the earphone.

ok I kind of understand I pay my regrets for my happy moment. everything cost in the world. 

but it is super expensive for me. 

I'm not living for happy moment. this is totally fake.

I live in a fake world. because I only can survive in the fake world, real world is too heavy for me.

what is the point of living?
even I cannot live properly.

today's picture i drew is "hijo de la luna" by mecano.

spanish song, it means the son of the moon.