A snow ball

My friend told me i'm like a person who.is standing out side of the snow ball.

I'm collecting them, and i'm shaking it.

I see people's life. Shaking it as like i'm effect them..

But if so, i feel i'm useless. So useless.

I can see their lives, i can effect them as i shaking it.
But i never be able to control it to be better.

I can only see its snowing. I can never be able to pick it up from the inside. Build it up in inside of the snow ball.

But its actually a very beautiful story. I like it.
My best friend, she's trying to help my mind.

And i very appreciate that.

She has beautiful heart. I wish i had one as well.

I pretend like i'm a good person.

I remember i was giving homeless people dollars everytime i see them in US.

I gave a pack of cigarette to a homeless man who was collecting them from the ashtray.
He had a strong accent and i couldn't understand him at all.
But he understood my english so i asked him to listen to me a little.
We sat down on the bench, i was talking a lot. Actually i sometimes talking in Japanese as well which he might not understand. I didn't care, because i just wanted speak myself.

He was actually a nice man. Old nice man.
He looked very homeless, dirty and messy beard.
But i liked him.

I talked him about my guilty which i don't even know why i'm having it.

He was just listening to me, looking my eyes, but he didn't say anything. Only i understand from him was 'thank you'

And i was the only one who was talking, i didn't let him to speak because i didn't understand.

But it is one of precious memory in my US trip.

I could give him some money, but i didn't have my wallet at that time. Because it was right in front of the hotel i stayed.

It seems impossible, but i wish to see him again.

Because i feel guilt for him too.