Guilt

This gonna be a little bit dark.
I'll write about my one of biggest emotion issue. Guilt.

I feel guilt for a lot of things. Even i don't know what i feel guilt for.

When i see someone happy, enjoy, sad, confused, born, die, everything.

Especially i feel it toward strangers. I rarely feel it to friends.
but i feel guilty for my parents.

This feeling is so strong that i can even get in a panic. Actually i've got in troubles with this panic guilty many times.
So i never ever watch tv news...

well here is my thinking for this strong guilty.

I think i want everything to be perfect. And i feel i'm in charged of everything somehow.
When someone fall down or whatever, there's nothing i can do.
But i actually saw it, and i feel that's my responsibility.

I feel guilt for not being able to control it.

So why i do not feel guil for friends?

I think its because i accept them to control themselves.
I let them be.

So why i feel guilt for my parents?

I think i've not grown enough to stand by myself. I still haven't separated myself from parents.
I feel i need to control them just like myself.

People says its wrong. And i know what they are talking.

But 

Sometimes i feel like i'm the god.

If i see, it exists. 

If i don't see, it doesn't exist.

I still can't throw this thought away.

So what i can do is, try not to see, not to hear, not to feel.

don't let them be.

I'd rather have nothing than happiness.

Sometimes i feel guilt for even my weight, breathe, existence.

Because if i wasn't exist, there was nothing in this world.

No war, no terolism.. everything.

Who can tell i am not the god?

Who can tell everything is not my fault?

I'm still suffering this guilt, and i think this guilt can kill me someday.