Asperger's

Asperger's ppl often have trouble in daily life.
For example,  comunication with others, loud noise, food and clothe, sometimes thoes stress cause other sickness.
and 50% of asperger's ppl are alexithymia, which means trouble noticing their own  emotions.
So they easily keep stress until they get sick.

Recently i found myself has this alexithymia a little.
From my childhood, the end of a day, i always repeat the day in details to comfirm. And all the emotions attack my mind. Even though good things can hurt my mind.
But now, i understand what was happening to me. i repeat to see my emotions that i couldn't find at the moment.

Once i understand, i can find a way to handle.


This discovery was pretty big so i told my boyfriend. I expected him to know my pain and efort. But he said
'" no, don't say that. You're normal, you're fine. "
I know what he meant but still this word was painful, because i felt like he treats my efort nothing.
Asperger's ppl often need to give more efort to just live a life.  we start from -1.
For me 'just fine' is far far away from my start-line. When i get there, i must be exhausted but people around are 'just fine', they just started their marathon.

So, its simple. I wanted my boyfriend to say 'i see. I understand that you tried hard. You're doing great.'

I want people i love to see my progress, not only my results

Medication and emotion

Last few month i am so flat in emotionally.
And i realized that i don't have my emotion anymore.
This is a little strong word but this is what basically is.

I used to get so angry when people walk in front of me. I even hit them out. But i'm calm now.
i used to like seeing sunset, i think it was beautiful and meaningful. But i stopped looking for sky.
i used to get guilt feeling for little reason, i don't anymore.
Now i realized that i don't get impressed by anything. I can't feel anymore. Everything is numb.

So i tried stop talking pills for couple days.
Then after few days, i got back my feelings. Which was hurtfull, i suffered by emotions.
It was like all the colors sting in my eyes, all the noise becoming sound like voices talking to you. Its like doing LSD, which i haven't i just guess.
I might be lucky that i don't have to spend money for the hullucinations.

I still don't know which is i want Weather easy live without emotions or suffer with being who i am

Non

The most powerful energy is anger. When you angry, there are super fast and complicated chemistry reaction in your brain.
When i get angry too much, i don't even remember the stuff i did, saw, everything. Like lost memory.
I think most people had experience like that.

Nobody likes anger. But because of its super energy, sometimes i feel like i can creative by the emotion.

My biggest energy is from guilt. I've tried hard to hold it in, hide, and ignore.
But i found that creative arts needs 'power' not just 'pretty' 'beautiful' 'technical'.

Since i saw some areworks from artis, i felt i want to create thoes cool powerful stuff like them!

But i found its sooooo hard. I mean soooo painful inside of me. I face to my emotion, ugly anger, sadness, all the negative emotion attacking to kill my soul.

For one step for me, i downloaded a app that you can read news.
I used to stay away from news. Never watch new program, no on the phone news, anything.
i was hiding fron the world.

Now i don't know whats going on in this world, but i think its a good opportunity to open my scary door to grow up.

Colors

I think everyone had thoughts that Everything i see is actually a lot different.
Everything i see might be just soneone's dream, or imagination.
And then you might go on a journey of philosophy world, but in some point, you notice.. wait, what was the first question? Meh nevermind, i have a lot to do in THIS world.

I often think about this, what if its true? How can you tell?

But like drawn man cannot draw his wife, we can't figure out 'the truth'

It might be a philosophy.
it might be a physics.

just like this, i have an issue about colors.

Colors. It means a lot to me. I like colors.
but in the same time, sometimes, when i don't feel right, all colors sting my eyes and it actually hurts.
Its like they run into me for getting their identity. Or stealing my identity.

Then i try to look at them in Two dimensions. i try to stop them running.

Symptoms

Its getting cold these days and i feel like the world left me behind.
It feels so alone, feeling like everyone has been taken by alian and replaced.
I see everything as brand new, i feel like i haven't seen it before.
Then i think: what if its true that everything has been changed
Then i hear: cry of the cicada and wispering of woman's voice
Those makes me confused what is real. And my mind is exhausted by living this fake world pretending like i don't notice..
I feel danger of my life from the fake world.

I think all of this is not only from aspergar or bipolar.. i think its beginning of schizophrenia. Yes i know its crazy talking, but the problem is i won't be able to keep my mind sanity longer.
So what i do is taking sleeping pills and sleep as much as i can, hoping some day i wake up and i see the world i supposed to be.

Test

Two owls on the moon

sea horse

sea horse is called baby dragon in Japanese.
dragon is a funny creature. there is dragon in Chinese year, besides every animals are actually real animals but only dragon is from imagination.
or maybe dragon was actually lives in old times in China and Japan.

recently i skipped medicine for about a week, then i started hear things and feeling weird. my body was shaking and i was so thirsty.
after i take them again its getting better though, i'm frustrated everyday.
because when i wake up in the morning, i feel so so so tired and can't get up. even i can't get up to drink a glass of water.
it gradually get better to the night, after i eat dinner, i feel better again and i feel like to do something. going there and paint something, meet someone...
but its late, night. nothing i can do and the time for pills are coming.
this is the routine of my recent life.

so like today, i stay up late to enjoy my positiveness.